


The Tutor (ABANDONED)

by philester



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bad Boy Phil, Minor Character Death Mention, Phan AU, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phan-Freeform, Punk Phil, Slow Build, perfect student dan, will be posting TWs at the beginning of each chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7859059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philester/pseuds/philester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell is the perfect student. His charismatic nature and various abilities make him one of the popular students at his high school. He is loved by all except one person: Phil Lester, the badass kid who rides a motorbike to school. When Dan finds himself failing a class, he has to get a tutor. His tutor makes him face his insecurities and makes him realize that not everything is what it seems.</p><p> </p><p>This is a chaptered work!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i suck at titles part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will be posting any TWs at the beginning of the chapter.
> 
>    
> DISCLAIMER: This is purely a work of fiction  
>  

_Just do it. Just press click._ Dan thought to himself. He was about to submit his last college app.

 

“Do you want me to do it?” Dan’s mother questioned as she rested a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

“No, I want to do it for myself,” Dan took a deep breath and clicked. _Your app has been submitted_ the computer screen read.

 

“Woohoo! Let’s celebrate! My son is finally done with his college apps!” Dan’s mother exclaimed. “You’ve worked so hard; let’s go out for dinner!”

 

“Mum, I’ve just applied to college. I’m not even sure I’ll get in.” He had applied to a total of 11 universities. “I don’t want to celebrate until I’ve actually gotten _into_ college.”

 

Dan’s mother sighed and then smiled, “Alright, sweetie. But I just want you to know how proud I am of you.”

 

“Thanks mum.” Dan was honestly so grateful to have a mother who was so supporting and understanding. She knew when to push him and when to stay back.

 

 _Ding!_ Dan looked down at his phone.

 

“Hey, what time are we supposed to be at the ASB meeting tomorrow?” Dan’s best friend PJ texted him.

 

“4pm.” Dan replied. As president of the Associated Student Body, Dan had called a meeting at his house in order to start planning this year's prom.

 

“thanks dan (:”

 

“Np :).” Dan put his phone away and started to get dressed for soccer practice. He changed into a loose sweat-absorbent tee and some soccer shorts. He went downstairs and put on his shin guards, socks, and cleats. “Heading to soccer practice, bye mum!”

 

Dan heard a faint “Love you” coming from the kitchen as he headed out the door to walk to practice.

 

Dan was one of the most popular boys at his high school and he was well liked by everyone. He was athletic, smart, artistic, and good looking. Essentially, he was the perfect child. Hardly any of his peers were ever jealous of him. It was hard to be, because he was just so nice and charismatic. Teachers loved him, as he was a recipient of numerous awards. Parents often asked Dan’s mother how she had raised such an amazing son.

 

There was really only one person who disliked Dan.

* * *

 

 

Whilst walking to his soccer practice, Dan was thinking about how quarter grade reports were going to be released later today.  Dan was anxious about his grade in AP Calculus. That was the one class he was struggling in so far in his senior year. The other APs that he had taken weren’t really that difficult, just loads of busy work. However, calculus was actually difficult and Dan did not understand any of the material. He had been wanting to talk to Mrs. Dwight about it, but juggling college applications, soccer practice, ASB, and art classes, he had never found the time. Despite being super active in all his extra curricular activities, Dan had gotten straight As throughout high school.

 

“Hey, watch where you’re going, Howell.” The rough and husky but familiar voice had taken Dan out of his daze.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry Phil, I didn’t mean to--I was lost in thought and--”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Phil interrupted. “I’m Dan Howell and I am so _perfect”_ \--Phil spit-- “that I would _never_ bump into someone.”

 

Dan pursed his lips and sighed, “see you around, Phil.” It was worthless trying to apologize to him.

 

Phil ignored Dan’s remark, shoved his hands in his pockets and walked in the opposite direction.

 

Phil was the one person that hated Dan, or rather, Dan’s guts. No one ever dared to talk to _the Phil Lester_ . In school, people were always too intimidated by the multiple piercings and tattoos that covered Phil’s body. At the beginning of lunch, he would always drive his motorcycle off somewhere and return just before the bell rang. No one knew where he went. Phil liked giving off that vibe. He was annoyed by all his classmates, and Dan Howell was no different. However, Dan Howell always made sure to acknowledge his presence every single time he saw him. _Why couldn’t Dan leave him alone like the rest of his classmates?_

* * *

 

 

“Hey Dan!” Chris, Dan’s friend and teammate, greeted him as he lightly punched his shoulder.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” Dan laughed, quickly forgetting about his AP Calculus grade. They talked about video games until soccer practice started.

 

After practice, Dan checked the time on his phone. _Ahh crap, quarter reports must be out by now_ he thought to himself. Dan ran back home and rushed to his computer. He quickly logged into his school account and stared in disbelief. He saw what he had feared most.

  
Dan felt a tears welling up. _A D- in calculus?_ There was no way he could be _failing_ math.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This is my first fan fiction so let me know if you have any constructive criticism. I'm still trying to get the hang of this website LOL. Thanks so much and I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. :P


	2. i suck at titles part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-None

That night, Dan couldn’t fall asleep. He kept twisting and turning, fidgeting with his sheets. He checked his phone which read _3:14AM._ Suddenly, he got up and quietly tip toed to the bathroom, making sure not to wake up his mother. The tap creaked as the faucet to the bathroom sink turned on. After he splashed his face with some cold water, he started to sob into his towel. _How could you let your grade get so low? You are so stupid!_ He then looked at the reflection in the mirror. He shook his head and told himself _It’s O.K. You still have a month and a half to bring up your grade. I know that you can do it._ After washing his face again, he went back to bed and drifted off to sleep, determined as ever.

 

Dan woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. He quickly got ready so that he could drive to school early and talk to Mrs. Dwight about his grade.

 

“I thought you’d be coming in soon” Mrs. Dwight said as she lightly patted Dan’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah--my grade, I just don’t know how it got so low. I really want to raise it up.”

 

“I would suggest that you get a tutor. I know that you are too busy to come in during the day to ask me for help, but maybe you can hire a tutor on the weekends to help you. I know that you are a great student, Dan, and coming in to talk about your grade shows that.”

 

“I--I don’t think I can afford to hire a tutor,” Dan looked down at his feet.

 

The middle aged women leaned against her desk and pondered for a minute. “Well, I know the local library offers tons of free tutoring. Maybe you could look there.”

 

“Thank you, Mrs. Dwight. I’ll try to look and if not maybe I’ll just ask one of my friends or something. I really appreciate your help and understanding” Dan flashed a fake smile, shaking his teacher’s hand.

 

“You are welcome, Dan. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.”

 

The rest of the day, Dan focused on his classes, trying not to think about his low Calculus grade. He put on his optimistic demeanor so that none of his friends would see through how he actually felt.

 

When he came home, he immediately started looking at ideas for Prom. At 4:00, the other ASB members started coming in. By the end of their meeting, Everett High’s ASB had already planned the theme and venue of the upcoming prom: Midnight in Paris and the Everett Performing Center of the Arts, respectively.

 

“Everything okay, Dan?” PJ questioned at the end of the meeting after everyone left.

 

“Yeah! Why wouldn’t it be?” Dan said, a bit to ecstatically.

 

“You seem kinda distant and spaced out--”

 

“Oh, yeah” Dan cut him off. “I just got a bad grade on my AP Calculus test. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Alright. Just checking up on you, buddy. Don’t worry about that grade, it’s just one test.”

 

“Mhmm. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it.”

 

“You tend to do that a lot, don’t you?” PJ added softly. “Well then, I better get going. It’s almost six!”

 

Dan waved PJ goodbye. “See ya!”. After cleaning up, Dan drove to a couple of libraries, looking for Calculus tutors. At the last library, which was also the furthest away from his house, Dan found an advertisement for a tutor.

 

_MATH TUTOR: Michael Lester--Bachelor’s of Sciences in Mathematics_

_Can tutor in:_

- _Algebra_

_-Pre-Calculus_

_-Calculus_

_-Statistics_

 

_Just give a call or text at 123-456-7890_

Dan texted the number.

 

Dan: _Hi Michael! My name is Daniel and I saw an advert for your tutoring services! I need tutoring in AP Calculus. I am available on weekends and Tuesdays from 3-6. Thank you!_

 

Within a minute, a response came back.

 

Michael: _Hello Daniel, would you like to meet up this Saturday at 4pm?_

 

Dan: _Sure!_

 

Michael: _Okay, see you then. I will be sitting in study room 800. Bring any materials you need help with._

 

Dan: _Will do!_

 

Dan ran his hand through his coffee hair and breathed a sigh of relief. _It’s a good thing this library is so far away. No one I know will see that I get tutored._

 

On Saturday afternoon, Dan drove for thirty minutes to the library. He slung his backpack on his right shoulder and looked for study room 800. He found the door slightly ajar and went in.

 

“Hi! I’m Daniel--” Dan stopped abruptly, confused as to why he was looking at an all too familiar face. “Phil?”

 

The raven haired man smiled at Dan and welcomed him in his rough, husky voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the second chapter! Please comment and let me know what I can do better as it is my first fan fiction. Thanks :P


	3. i suck at titles part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-none

Dan’s brows were furrowed, as he tried to figure out who was the man in front of him. He had pale, white skin and hair the color of night. Blue, green, and yellow, the man’s eyes reminded Dan of a galaxy in space. He looked exactly like Phil, but he did not have any facial piercings. His snake bites, septum piercing, and eyebrow piercings were gone, yet his ear piercings remained. _How could this be Phil? Phil was a high school student yet this man claimed to have a bachelor’s degree in mathematics. But his face! And hair? But doesn’t Phil have piercings and--_

 

“Hi Daniel, I’m Michael! Are you okay, you seem a bit frazzled” Michael remarked, pulling Dan out of his trance.

 

“Oh, uh, hi. Sorry. You just reminded me of someone. Do you have a brother named Phil, by any chance?”

 

“No, sorry” Michael replied with a genuine expression on his face.

 

“Ahhh, well. It’s so weird. You remind me exactly of him and you guys even have the same last name--” Dan started to explain himself, but he was soon cut short by Michael.

 

“Must be a coincidence,” Michael said a bit too fast, forcing a smile. “Let’s get to work, shall we?”

 

“Of course!” Dan sat down and took out his textbook, notebook, and a pencil out of his bag. The current topic in they were learning about was differentiation of single variables. As Michael re-explained the chapter to him, Dan scribbled down notes, asking questions when needed. They then worked through Dan’s homework problems.

 

Michael adjusted the collar of his buttoned-down shirt. “We still have 10 minutes left. Do you have any other questions?”  

 

 _Do you have tattoos?_ Dan thought as he squinted his eyes, studying Michael meticulously.  “Um, no. Thank you. This session was super helpful. Wait actually, when did you receive your Bachelor’s degree?”

 

“This past summer, actually. I received it from Everett Community College. If you want, I could show you proof” Michael smirked and raised his left eyebrow with a hint of seductiveness. “Why, do I look too young?”

 

The brown haired boy blushed. “No!” he gulped. “I mean yes. I mean ahhh- I mean, you still remind me of that guy.” _He doesn’t smell like Phil though. Michael smells of warmth and chocolate and sweaters on a cold autumn day. Also, Michael actually smiles. Phil Lester does NOT smile._  

 

“Well, anyways, when do you want to meet next? We could meet twice a week, if you want. I’d recommend it since you did say that you had a very low grade in your class. I think you said you were free on Tuesdays as well? We could meet on Tuesdays and Saturdays from 4-5pm.”

  
“Yeah, that should work with me. Thank you!” Dan got up to shake Michael’s hand. Whilst on his way out the door, he caught something from the corner of his eye. He turned around but didn’t see anything unusual. _Weird,_ he thought, _I could have sworn I saw a black leather jacket._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is Michael Lester?
> 
> sorry this chapter was kinda short--oops


	4. i suck at titles part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-hint of violence

On Monday morning, Phil came to school with what looked like a faded black eye. Of course, no one really noticed it until Dan greeted Phil that morning whilst walking down the hall.

 

“Hello Phil!” Dan smiled at him. Phil looked up upon hearing his name but immediately realized that it was a mistake. “Woah--Phil are you okay? Your eye looks--” Phil scampered away before Dan’s comment attracted any more attention than necessary. After opening his locker, Phil scoured through his things until he found a pair of black sunglasses. He put them on and slammed his locker shut before heading to class.

 

Dan felt a vibration in his pocket and reached down to look at his phone.

 

Michael: _Hey, I know we said that we were going to meet this Tuesday, but I’ve recently come down with the flu. Can we skip this week?_

 

Dan: _Well I actually have a test on friday so I wanted to review with you. But if you have the flu then it’s alright, I’ll just study by myself._

 

Michael: _Oh no! Then I would feel bad. Can you meet any time on Wednesday?_

 

Dan: _I’m not free until 8pm._

 

Michael: _Okay, that works with me. I want you to do well on your test so I’m fine with meeting then. I should be better by Wednesday night as well._

 

Dan: _Okay, thanks so much Michael! You are the best :) I’ll bring some cookies._

 

Michael: _Looking forward :P_

 

Dan shoved his phone in the back pocket of his black jeans and set out to find his friends. They were by their usual meeting place, in front of Chris’ locker. Chris was laughing while tousling PJ’s hair.

 

“Oi, watch it Chris! He’s my boyfriend!” Sophie giggled as she pecked PJ on the cheek. She playfully brought up her hands in fists, ready to pretend fight.

 

“Hehehe you’ll have to fight me for him!” Chris lightly punched Sophie on her shoulder. “Oh look, Dan’s here!” Everyone turned their heads to face Dan.

 

“Hey guys!” Dan greeted his friends with his one sided smile. “What’s up?”

 

“Don’t you look cute today? Trying to impress someone? What’s her name?” Louise winked.

 

“Mrs. Dwight! I’m trying to seduce her so that she will raise my Calculus grade.” Dan joked.

 

“Ah, but why would you need a grade raise? You are too smart. Me on the other hand--hey Dan while you are seducing her, make sure she raises ALL our grades.”

Dan took a bow and put on a posh accent “Of course, mi lady. Whatever you wish”. The bell rang and soon everyone went off to their classes.

 

When Dan entered Art, Mr. Lee was writing something on the board. _Senior Project_ it read. “Hello class! Today I will be introducing the senior project which is due on the last day of class for this school year. You have to artistically compose something that you find beautiful. It can be on any medium. If you wish to combine a demonstrative work like a dance or prose to accompany your piece, let me know before hand. I know it’s not even the end of the first semester, but I want you all to start brainstorming ideas.”

 

 _Hmmmm what do I find beautiful?_ Dan asked himself. _I mean, I can be really cliche and make an artwork of my mom, but everyone else will be doing that too._

 

“Oh, and also, we all know that people from your family are beautiful. I want you to go above and beyond and find something besides your mom that you find beautiful” Mr. Lee added.

 

_Well, there goes my backup plan. Eh, it’s okay. I still have like 6 months to think of something. It’s only November._

 

The rest of Dan’s day went by the same as usual: school, soccer practice, homework, and then dinner. Dan reviewed his notes from his Saturday's session with Michael in preparation for Friday’s test.

 

 _I HAVE to do well on this test. No matter what. There are only 3 tests left for this semester and I have to bring it up to at LEAST  a B. I can’t believe I let myself slip so much._ A tear rolled down Dan’s cheek. He wiped it away and went back to studying. However, his mind started to wander off again.

 

 _How can two people look so similar AND have the same last name but not be related? There is something fishy about Michael. Maybe he is Phil. But how can he be Phil? Phil has so many facial piercings and tattoos._ Dan suddenly stood straight up. _Wait, Michael was wearing a full sleeve shirt on Saturday. Was he hiding his tattoos? Hmmm, I wonder what Phil’s writing looks like. If Phil’s writing and Michael’s writing are the same, then Michael is definitely Phil!_

  
Dan slapped himself. “I’m getting too distracted” he said aloud. He continued to study until 12AM and then went to sleep.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why does phil have a black eye? i guess you guys will have to wait to find out. 
> 
> if you guys want me to tag any other TWs, let me know! this is my first fan fiction so I'm not really sure what exactly to tag (besides the obvious ones).


	5. i suck at titles part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-none

After thanking his mother for baking chocolate chip cookies, Dan left to go to the library. He found Michael in his usual place. Michael smelled of hot chocolate and roasted marshmallows. His hair was in a fringe, covering part of his right eye, rather than his usual quiff which made him look identical to Phil Lester. He was wearing an oversized dark green sweater and skinny black jeans.

 

“Hey! I’m really sorry that I had to call you here even though you are sick” Dan insinuated.

 

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Well, I am charging you by the hour today” Michael chuckled as he nodded towards the chocolate chip cookies.

 

“Thank my mother for those” Dan grinned.

 

“Thank you Daniel’s mother!”

 

“Ah, please call me Dan.”

 

“Hahah of course. Let’s get started. Oh and let me just warn you--don’t freak out if I randomly wink at you. My eye has been spazzing out--probably due to the flu or something. Although, you are probably used to being winked at.”

 

Dan blushed. “LOL no. I’d only freak out if you used your sexy voice” Dan blurted. _What the hell did I just say?_

 

 _“_ What? Sorry--didn’t get that. My hearing’s been impaired too, with the flu” Michael pointed to his ear.

 

Dan cleared his voice, “I said, I’d only freak out if you turned into a monster.” _Wtf? Why was that the first thing that came in my head._

 

Michael laughed at Dan’s stupid recovery joke anyways. They went over the study guide for the chapter and Michael made up some problems for Dan to practice. Around 9pm, they finished.

 

“I like your sweater by the way,” the brown haired boy commented.

 

“Thanks. It was my grandfathers. Though, I think it would look better on you. This green definitely suits your cocoa eyes.” Michael said softly.

 

Dan cleared his throat and shifted his eyes down, feeling uncomfortable. “Ahem, thanks,” he stated quietly. There was an awkward silence between the two boys before Dan said “I think Emma Watson is pretty.”

 

“That was sort of random. Of course she’s pretty.”

 

“Also, so is Jennifer Lawrence. And Megan Fox. And Cara Delevingne.” Dan emphasized, trying to get his point across. “Anyways, I’ve got to go. Thanks for your help!” Quickly picking up his bag, Dan bolted for the door.

 

 _Okay, now Michael is going to think I’m such a weirdo. Why did I do that?_ Dan shuddered and tried to forget about what just happened.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Woohoo, I think I aced that test!_ Dan thought to himself, after taking the Calculus test Friday morning. _It was hard, but at least I knew how to do everything. Compared to last test, I actually knew what the problems were talking about. I’ll text Michael about it!_

 

During break, Dan met up with his friends by Chris’s locker again. Everyone was talking about Mrs. Dwight’s test.

 

“Pleeeease, can you tell me how it was? I have it next period.” Louise begged PJ, frantically skimming her notes.

 

“Well, I mean her test was still hard like the other ones, but at least in this one, she didn’t try to trick us with her weirdly worded questions.” PJ replied. “You will be fine, don’t worry.”

 

Louise continued to babble on, as she often did before taking tests, as everyone else tried to calm her down. Dan took out his phone and sent Michael a text. He started typing: _Hey Michael! Thanks for all your help! <3\. _ Dan backspaced and replaced the heart with a smiley face. _Sending him a heart is weird. He’s not your friend and he might get the wrong message._

 

Dan: Hey _Michael! Thanks for all your help :) I think I did well on today’s test!_

 

Dan clicked send and suddenly heard a _beep!_ near by. His head shot up towards where the noise came from. He saw Phil’s hands reaching for his jean pocket and Phil smirking. Then he made eye contact with Dan. Phil furrowed his brows and quickly walked away. 

 

“Who are you looking for?” Chris grabbed Dan’s shoulder from behind.

 

“Hmmm? Oh no one. I was just thinking about the test” Dan lied.

 

During fourth period, Dan felt a buzz in his pocket.

 

Michael: _Glad to hear it._

 

Dan started to reply. _Wait, actually I’ll reply later_ he thought. After fourth period ended, Chris met him outside his class. “Hey Chris, I wanna check something real quick. I’ll meet you guys later. Usual lunch spot right?”

 

“Yeah, sure thing, Dan.” Chris grinned. Dan ran outside to the parking lot and hid behind a tree. He pulled out his phone.

Dan: _We are still on for tomorrow’s lesson right?_

 

Phil was sitting on his motorbike, ready to leave when he felt his pocket buzz. He looked in both directions and then grabbed his phone. After typing something quickly, he put his phone away before anyone noticed and rode his motorcycle away.

 

Michael: _Sure :)_

 

 _Were those both coincidences?_ Dan thought. _Only one way to find out. But for now, I better get back to my friends._ Dan scurried across the school to find his friends sitting at their usual lunch bench. He scruffed down his lunch and was getting ready to leave.

 

“Woah, where are you going Dan? Do you hate us that much?” Sophie joked.

 

“Sorry, I’ve just got some work to do! I’ll text you guys later! As for Sophie, I’ll see you in English!” Dan rushed back to the parking lot, just in time to see Phil come back. Phil took out his leather jacket and set his helmet on the motorbike’s handlebar.

 

Dan: _I saw you look at your phone._

  
Phil glanced at his phone and then stared straight ahead at Dan with his piercing galaxy eyes. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :O


	6. i suck at titles part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-curse words (?), being alone in the woods, description of black eye

_Shit!_ Phil thought. _He knows. Shit. I need to get out of here._

 

Phil grabbed his helmet and shoved his keys into the ignition. The motorcycle roared to life and he sped away.

 

Whilst riding his motorcycle, Phil tried to analyze what just happened. _I was so careful. Shit. I should have made an excuse on the first day when he came into the library. Ugh, how could I be so stupid to think that this would have worked?_ He tried to smack himself on the head but was blocked by the helmet. _Wow, I really am stupid._

 

He drove into the woods until he finally found what he was looking for. An old, forlorn wooden cabin that had been abandoned for over fifty years which felt more homely to Phil than his actual house. Phil parked his bike and went in. Inside, paper lanterns illuminated the ceiling. There was a mattress on the ground, set close to the wall, covered with decorative cushions and pillows. A small wooden dining table with two chairs, which Phil had found at a thrift shop, stood at the very end of the room. In the corner, there was a kitchenette and a gas cylinder to power to stove. If anyone else would have stumbled across this place on accident, no one would have thought that it was inhabited by Phil Lester.

 

_What should I do about Dan? I mean, I have to be there anyways for the other kids I tutor. He might not even come though. If he does, he’s going to ask too many questions. I can’t tell him anything about myself. His perfect little self probably doesn’t even realize the horrors of the actual world. Ugh, I don’t even want to think about this anymore._

 

Phil found a can of soup in the cupboard and warmed it up in a pan over the stove. He finished all the homework that was due for Monday and Tuesday to distract him from thinking about Dan. Exhausted, he collapsed onto the mattress.

 

 _I’ll just sleep here for tonight_ he thought. _It’s not like anyone is going to miss me at home._ He chuckled to himself, but his laugh was imbued with sadness and spite.

 

* * *

 

The whole day on Saturday, Dan debated whether or not he should go to the tutoring session. _I mean, he is helping me. But I don’t want people from school to know I get tutored. Even if I do go, Michael, er Phil, probably won’t be there. Ugh, whatever. I’ll go. What’s the worst that can happen?_

 

The door to study room 800 was slightly ajar as usual. Taking a deep breath, Dan peered inside, expecting to find no one. To his surprise, Phil was there, chewing on his finger nails with his legs propped up on the table, waiting for him. As soon as Phil heard the door creak open, he swung his legs down and glared at Dan.

 

“Okay, so this is how it’s going to work, Howell,” Phil sneered. “You don’t tell anyone I help out at the library here, and I won’t tell anyone you get tutored.” Phil was in his ‘Michael’ outfit--no facial piercings and wearing colorful clothes rather than all black as he did at school. The bottom eyelid of his right eye was laced with a hint of purple, still healing from the black eye.

 

“Works for me,” Dan’s heart rate started to slow down, back to normal. _Oh, thank god. This is going so much easier than expected._ “How--why--.”

 

“No questions. Please, this wasn’t even supposed to happen.” Phil turned away, scoffing. “I was being so careful” he mumbled to himself.

 

“Why are you still going to tutor me? You could be tutoring someone else, you know. It would make things so much easier.”

 

“Didn’t you hear what I said, Howell?I said no questions. Besides, you wouldn’t understand. Anyways, inside room 800, I am Michael. And I’ll call you Daniel.”

 

“But--”

 

“Let’s start, _Daniel”_ Phil said through his teeth.

 

Dan took out his materials, still trying to make sense of the situation. He had just seen Phil yesterday, with all his facial piercings and a fringe. Yet today, ‘Michael’ had no facial piercings and a quiff. _The hair, I understand. How does he do the piercings. Ugh, whatever. I need to focus for now. I’ll figure this stuff out later._ Although the tension was still there, they both pretended as if nothing had happened between them.  

 

“Thank you, Phil, er, Michael. I really mean it” Dan started to talk once they finished with the lesson. “You are a great tutor, but if this is too weird for you, I can find someone else. Really, it’s no big deal.”

 

Phil stared at Dan, surprised in the change of tone of Dan’s voice. “No, I’m fine. If you want to, you can find someone else though” Phil replied. “Although, I like tutoring you” Phil whispered to himself.

 

“Sorry, what was the last bit? I couldn’t hear.”

 

“Oh, nothing.”

 

“Well, in that case, since you aren’t charging me anything, I can get you coffee, at the very least.” Phil opened his mouth to protest, but Dan continued to talk. “Let’s go out for coffee. Please, the Michael I know would go with me.”

 

Phil crossed his arms. “Fine,” he agreed reluctantly, as he rolled his eyes. “I don’t work Sundays. Let’s do 3pm at the Starbucks across Casey's”

  
Dan’s face lit up with excitement. “Yay! Alright, see you tomorrow, Michael” he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are starting to find out more about Phil/Michael ^_^
> 
> lmk if you guys want me to tag any TWs


	7. i suck at titles part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-none

That night, Dan lay in his bed going over what had occurred that day.  _ I have so many questions that need to be answered, but I don’t want to bombard Phil with them. I just really want to be a friend for him. Michael-Phil is so sweet and kind but Phil at school likes to be intimidating. Why?  _

 

_ What do I call him tomorrow? Do I call him Michael? Or Phil? What even is his real name? Also, why did I say “Let’s go out for coffee”? I don’t want him to think it’s a date, that would be awkward. I only like girls…  _ Dan drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

The next day Dan spent a good hour deciding what to wear.  _ Hmm, should I wear an oversized sweater or a shirt with a jacket over these blue jeans?  _ He thought, swapping the clothes by the hanger over the jeans he was already wearing while looking into the mirror.  _ Crap, this cardigan looks good too.  _ After switching back and forth, he finally decided on the beige oversized sweater.  _ Wait, why did I just spend so much time deciding what to wear? I don’t even spend this much time when I have to go to a fancy event. It’s not like I’m trying to impress Phil.  _ Dan laughed out loud.  _ Pfffft, why would I be trying to impress him? Ahh crap it’s 3:45 I should get going. _

 

By the time Dan reached Starbucks, Phil was already there, waiting outside by his motorcyle. He was wearing all black and had his piercings in. There was a gush of wind and it swept Phil’s shirt up so that you could see his dragon tattoo. 

 

“You’re here early,” Phil winked. “Were you missing me too much?”

 

“I--um...what? NO!” Dan’s face turned bright red.

 

“Also, my eyes are up here, Howell.” Phil said, seeing Dan eye his tattoo. “You’re cute when you blush.”

 

“So, should I call you Phil or Michael here?” Dan said, trying to change the subject.

 

“Howell, you never listen to me,” Phil said, shaking his head. “I told you, I’m Michael only in room 800.” 

 

“So what do you want?” Dan asked, once they went inside.

 

“I’ll have a tall salted caramel frappe, I guess.”

 

“Cool!” Dan turned his head to the worker at the register and smiled. “One tall salted caramel frappe and one tall hot chocolate please!”

 

“That’ll be $7.45,” the cashier said. Dan gave her the money while Phil looked for a spot to sit.

 

“Wow, I can’t believe you order a hot chocolate when you come to starbucks,” Phil scoffed playfully.

 

“Well, I’m not really a coffee person.”

 

“Then why did you suggest going to a coffee place?”

 

“Idk, I thought you liked coffee.”

 

“Well I do. So I guess thanks. Anyways, I’ll take you to this amazing hot chocolate place I know of next time.”

 

Dan’s eyes brightened up at the idea of there being a next time, but he tried to play it off cool. “When shall we go?”

 

“Umm, Sunday’s are the only days I’m free--”

 

“Cool, let’s make this a weekly thing!” Dan said excitedly. “Um, what I mean to say is your payday will be every Sunday” he tried to recover what he said.

 

Phil snickered, “Okay.”

 

“So will you finally respond to me at school if I ever say hi to you, Phil?” Dan asked.

 

Phil’s expression immediately changed to a more serious one. “At school, I don’t like anyone. I want to be left alone.”

 

“But why?”

 

“It’s something you won’t understand, Howell” Phil sighed. “No one would have known this other side of me, but you _just_ _had_ to come in for tutoring, didn’t you?” Phil teased Dan. 

 

Dan stuck out his tongue in response.  _ Wtf, why do I keep doing these weird things? This is so not like me. I need to get my shit together. Phil probably thinks I’m even weirder than before.  _ “Fine, can we at least be friends? Like, only on Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays.”

 

“On Tuesdays and Saturdays I’m your teacher, though” 

 

“Fine, on Sundays then” Dan rolled his eyes.

 

“Sure” Phil giggled, but then became serious again. “No one can know.”

 

“Okay,” it was Dan’s turn to beam.  _ Wow, I feel special. Phil will only show his true side around me. But I will definitely respect his request for school. I don’t know his story. All I can do is befriend him. His eyes show sadness and a desperate cry for help. Hopefully with time, he can open up and I will be able to help him. I want to help him. I need to. _

 

“Okay, since I am in a nice mood, you can ask me  _ one  _ question, Howell” Phil said after reading Dan’s desperate expression. 

 

“Damn, I didn’t think I would get this far.”

 

“Ask quickly, before I change my mind.”

 

“Okay, umm. So where do your facial piercings go when you tutor?”

 

Phil sighed. “I knew you were going to ask that one. Here, I’ll show you.” He pulled out his septum piercing.

 

“They're fake? But why--”

 

“Sorry, you only get one question for today. Don’t you  _ ever  _ listen, Howell?” Phil leaned back and spread his arms across the back of the sofa, smug expression on his face. 

  
“Damn you,” Dan muttered as he crossed his arms, looking away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh, the beginning of a friendship :)
> 
> also, ty all that have been reading this fic so far. it really means a lot <3


	8. i suck at titles part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- description of black eye

On Wednesday, Dan got last Friday’s test back. When Mrs. Dwight was passing the tests back, she smiled at Dan and whispered “Great job” to him. He took a deep breath and looked at his paper. On the top, there was an A written in red and circled. 

 

_ Omg, I’ve got to tell Phil when I see him on Saturday!  _ Dan gleamed.  _ Getting tutoring is the best decision I’ve made this year!  _

 

The bell rang and it was time for break. 

 

“Hey guys, wanna hang out Saturday? Let’s do something! I feel like I haven’t hung out with you guys in such a long time” Louise whinned. 

 

“Yes! College apps are done too, we should go celebrate!” PJ pitched in. 

 

“Yeah, I’m down,” Chris added.

 

“Me too!” Sophie raised her hand. They all looked at Dan.

 

“What about you, Dan,” PJ asked. “Can you find time in your busy as hell schedule to hang out with your poor friends?”

 

“Oh, yeah! Let’s go out for lunch or something. I just have to be back home before 3:30. But yes, we definitely have not hung out in a while. Plus, thanksgiving is next week and I know PJ and Chris are both out of town so we won’t be able to hang out then.” Dan replied. 

 

“What’s at 3:30?” PJ asked Dan as they headed towards their next class.

 

“Oh, um, I just really need to study for math. Also, I need to call up some places for Prom stuff.” Dan said really quickly.  _ Well, it wasn’t completely a lie. I am studying for math. Phil is just helping me. _

 

“Oh yeah, when is our next meeting?” PJ said, distracted by the mention of Prom.

 

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Thanksgiving is next week and soon after we have finals. I want to hold at least one meeting before the end of this semester. At the very least with the Prom committee.”

 

“Damn Dan. I honestly don’t know how you do this. Manage everything and still pull off amazing grades. Aaaand always have a positive attitude.”

 

“Ahh, PJ, you are too kind. Really, anyone can do it as long as they only sleep for 2 hours a week” Dan joked.

 

“But on a more serious note,” PJ said, pretending to wipe off a tear from laughing to hard, “you truly are an incredible human being. I look up to you.”

 

Dan stopped in his tracks, taken aback. “Awww, thank you PJ. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I’ve always admired your kindness, you” Dan lightly punched PJ on the chest. 

 

Dan checked his updated grade in math on his phone. A warm feeling nuzzled in his stomach when he saw that his grade had gone up to a C.  _ If I do well on the next two tests and the final, I can definitely get a B in the class. I might even get an A- if I work hard enough. Ooo, let me text Phil. _

 

Dan:  _ Hey Phil! Guess what? _

 

Phil:  _ My name is Michael. _

 

Dan:  _ Yeah but I thought that you’re only Michael in room 800. :P _

 

Phil:  _ I was just testing you, Howell.  _

 

Dan:  _ Sure you were.  _

 

Phil:  _ Anyways, what did you want to tell me? _

 

Dan:  _ I got an A on my test, thanks to you! <3  _

 

Phil:  _ Congrats! I am proud of you. :) _

Dan:  _ Is it possible for me to come in more often?  _

 

Phil:  _ Why, you can’t get enough of me 3 times a week? ;) _

 

Dan:  _ Don’t flatter yourself. I really want to raise my grade and we have 2 tests and a final coming up. I need your help.  _

 

Phil:  _ Okay, I need to check my schedule. Aren’t you really busy?  _

 

Dan:  _ I don’t have soccer practice for the next two weeks because is close to finals so I’m free every day after 3 basically.  _

 

Phil:  _ Mmk. Let me see what I can do.  _

 

That day, Dan finished his homework really quickly as he had to work on his final art project. For this semester, the students had to make something that fit the theme “Under the sky”. He had decided to make the night sky full of constellations through the perspective of a telescope, using oil paint on canvas as his medium. He started with a base layer of purple and blue which would become the night sky. Two hours later, Dan was done with a third of his artwork. 

 

* * *

 

The rest of Dan’s week went by as usual with school, soccer practice, and his art project.

 

On Saturday afternoon, Dan met up with his friends at the mall for lunch. 

 

“Did you see what happened to Phil Lester?” Chris asked his friends. Dan’s ears immediately perked up.

 

“No, what?” Louise said. 

 

“He came to first period English with a black eye yesterday,” Chris replied. 

 

_ That’s not the first time it’s happened  _ Dan thought to himself remembering their encounter from the week before. 

 

“Oh no. Although, I bet it was probably his fault. He probably got into a fight with someone about drugs or something,” Louise scoffed.

 

“PHIL’S NOT LIKE THAT!” Dan yelled. Everyone turned to look at him. “What I meant to say was, we don’t know his story so we shouldn’t judge him.”  _ What is wrong with me? I need to be more careful. They can’t find about my friendship with Phil. I need to respect Phil’s requests. _

 

PJ cleared his throat to fill in the awkward silence in between them. “So, I can’t believe we are almost second semester seniors!” Everyone started chatting again as if nothing had happened. 

 

_ Thank you  _ Dan mouthed to PJ. 

 

_ I’m not done with you, mister. You need to tell me what just happened.  _ PJ mouthed back. 

  
_ What if Louise was actually correct? What if Phil was actually in a gang or dealt drugs? No, Phil can’t be like that. Do I really know Phil at all?  _ Dan thought, dissapointed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for this chapter...it was more of a filler one. oops. hehe  
> i wanted to describe Dan's interactions with the rest of his friends as well. 
> 
> next chapter we should be learning more about Phil :) so look forward to that.


	9. i suck at titles part 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- talk about a black eye, mention of death

“Please tell me you aren’t part of any gangs,” Dan burst in the room 800, fingers laced together, as if he were pleading. 

 

Phil, in his Michael getup, jumped out of his seat, confused. “No? Why would I be?”

 

“I just--I don’t know. I’m sorry. I heard about you getting a black eye and I was worried--”

 

“Awww, you were worried about me?”

 

“Shut up, actually. That’s not my point. My point is, I need to know how you got that black eye Ph-, er, Michael.”

 

“I can’t tell you,” Phil said quietly.

 

“But--”

 

“I’m not ready to. But I can tell you that I am not part of anything dangerous. I’m not a part of some weird biker gang or whatever you have in your fantasies anyways.” Phil tilted his head to the side and smiled. 

 

“If you’re not part of anything dangerous, then why do you have a black eye?” Dan persisted, ignoring Phil’s last remark.

 

“Trust me.”

 

Dan sighed. All he wanted to do was help out his friend. However, knowing that he wasn’t involved in a gang or drug business calmed him down. 

 

They continued their usual routine until 5pm. “Hey, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?” Dan asked Phil while he was packing up. “It’s just my mom and me, so I was wondering if your family wanted to come over.”

 

Phil suddenly looked very phased out. “Um, I think my family already has plans” Phil lied, not making eye contact with Dan.  _ How can I tell this perfect little boy that the Lester family doesn’t exist? He wouldn’t understand what it feels like to be me. He doesn’t know what the real world holds. He is too innocent. I just want him to be happy and safe, away from the harsh truths of life.  _

 

“Oh, that’s okay then. If anything changes, let me know like a day before or something! It would be awesome to have you over.” Dan smiled. 

 

Phil smiled back weakly. “Alright, so I guess I will be seeing you here pretty much every day for the next two weeks then to help prepare for your exams.” 

 

“Yeah! Don’t worry though, you won’t get sick of me” Dan laughed innocently. 

 

“Um, also since we are already meeting during the weekdays can we not meet tomorrow? I’m a bit busy.”

 

“Aww, but you were going to take me to the yummy hot chocolate place!” 

 

“Don’t worry, that’s not going anywhere. And while I am Michael here, in the real world I am still Phil Lester and I’ve got to study for my finals too!”

 

“Oh, yeah! I’m so sorry, I forgot.” Dan blushed, ashamed that he had forgotten that Phil, too, was a student just like him at Everett High School. 

 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, Howell. As for the hot chocolate place, I’ll take you there after finals.” Phil said as he pointed finger guns at Dan.

 

“Wow, I can’t believe you just used finger guns. You are such a dork.” Dan giggled. “I wish people actually knew who you were. They’d all love you.”  _ Why did I just say that last bit? Does he think I’m implying that I love him? Ugh, I didn’t mean it to come out that way.  _ “Anyways, bye! See you Monday.”

 

Dan checked his phone.  _ 3 new messages.  _

 

PJ:  _ Hey, what was that whole thing about during lunch? _

 

PJ:  _ We need to talk. _

 

PJ:  _ I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while now. Something’s been different for the past month. _

 

Dan sighed, thinking about how he had agreed to keep his and Phil’s friendship a secret.  _ But PJ is my best friend. I know I can trust him. I just don’t want to lose Phil’s trust that I’ve finally been able to build up. PJ will figure things out eventually. I might as well as tell him.  _

 

Dan:  _ Okay, come over tomorrow.  _

 

PJ:  _ What time? _

 

Dan:  _ 2 _

 

PJ:  _ Okay, see you tomorrow.  _

 

* * *

 

 

The next day whilst Dan was finishing his English homework, the bell rang. “It’s probably PJ! I’ll get it, Mom!” He ran downstairs to open the door.

 

“Hey Dan! Hi Mrs. Howell! How are you?”

 

“I’m fine, dear. It’s always great to see you. How are you?” Mrs. Howell greeted PJ.

 

“Oh, the usual. Buried deep in homework.” 

 

“Hahah, of course. At least you guys will be second semester seniors in just a couple of weeks so you have that to look forward to. Anyways, I’ll be downstairs if you boys need anything!”

 

“Thanks Mom!”

 

“Thanks Mrs. Howell!”

 

The boys headed upstairs to Dan’s room. “Okay, spill. What’s been going on with you for the past couple of weeks?” PJ asked.

 

“Okay, it’s kind of embarrassing, but you can’t tell anyone. Not even Sophie.”

 

“Of course! Who do you think I am?”

 

“Okay, so basically when quarter grades came out, I found out I had a D- in Mrs. Dwight’s class. It terrified me because my grade has never been that low.” PJ nodded, intently listening to Dan. “So I went up to her and I talked to her and she recommended that I get a tutor. Basically I’ve had a tutor in math for the past couple of weeks. And its been the best decision I've made, because he's been helping me, and my grade is now at a C.”

 

“Dan, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it just shows how responsible you have been being.” PJ put a comforting hand on Dan’s shoulder. 

 

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that people always make me seem smarter than I actually am. And if they found out that I had a tutor, I would feel like I’ve disappointed them or something.”

 

“Hmmm, I definitely see your point. But really Dan, you need to stop trying to please others all the time. You have to think of yourself as well sometimes. No one would have cared that you got a tutor. Even if someone did, it wouldn’t matter.” 

 

Dan hugged PJ. “Thanks Peej. You always know what to say. Love you, man.”

 

“I’m not done yet, Mr. Howell. So how does Phil come into play in this situation?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’m talking about what happened yesterday. At lunch, remember?” 

 

“Oh that. That is completely unrelated, Peej.” Dan could feel the tip of his ears turn red. He hated lying to PJ. 

 

PJ raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?” 

 

“Yeah. I don’t know. It just sort of hit me that we shouldn’t really judge people based on their appearances. Like I was saying earlier. On the outside, I may seem happy but if people found out I was struggling in math, then they wouldn’t think of me as the same person. They would think that I was stupid. So same thing for Phil. On the outside, he seems intimidating. But once you get to know him--” Dan paused, realizing he made a mistake. “But  _ maybe  _ if someone gets to know him, he is different.” Dan looked up to the side, hinting a smile as he thought about Phil.

 

Although PJ didn’t seem to buy it, he didn’t push the question further. “Okay, if you say so.” 

 

“Thanks Peej. You always have the best thing to say and you are always there for me. I can always rely on you to cheer me up. You are my best friend. You know that, right?”

 

“Anytime. And Dan?" PJ tilted his head to the right. "You’re my best friend too. I will _always_ tell you if anything is bothering me.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this chapter! I started writing this at like 12am so forgive me! :3


	10. i suck at titles part 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- some light cursing, mention of a forest/the woods

The next couple weeks whizzed by. Everyone was studying for tests that teachers had crammed before finals, and then for finals itself. For Thanksgiving, Dan and his mother made food and served it to the homeless.

 

Dan and his friends finished finals at 2pm that Friday. “You know what this means!!!!! We are finally second semester seniors! Let’s go celeeeebrate.” Louise sang.

 

Just then, a text from Phil arrived.

 

Phil: _Just finished my last final. I was wondering if you were still down to go to the really good hot chocolate place?_

 

Dan: _Yes! I’m so down for hot chocolate._

 

Phil: _Cool. Can I pick you up from your house later today?_

 

Dan: _Yeah, sure. Pick me up at 3._

 

After giving Phil his address, Dan put his phone away.

 

“So tomorrow dinner then? At the Mirage?” Chris asked.

 

“Mhmm. I’ll make reservations tonight. I’m love dressing up! Remember boys, it’s a semi-formal place.” Sophie said, eyeing both Chris and PJ.

 

“Hey, how come you are only saying that to me and Chris?” PJ questioned.

 

“Because” Sophie started to say “Dan actually dresses up nicely. Remember Joe’s birthday party last year? You two were the only ones wearing jeans.”

 

“I’ll text them right before we go,” Dan pitched in, laughing. “How much you wanna bet that they forget?”

 

“Ten bucks!” Louise giggled.

 

“Twenty on me!” Sophie chimed in.

 

“I’ll say fifteen!” Dan added.

 

“Wow, I feel the love,” Chris said as he pretended to clutch his heart, faking a hurt expression.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil came to pick up Dan at 3:10. He was wearing black boots, black jeans, and his black leather jacket. However, there was actually a pop of color as we was wearing an orange sweater.

 

“I see you are being very colorful today,” Dan joked when Phil arrived.

 

“Just get on, Howell,” Phil grumbled as he rolled his eyes. Dan propped up his foot to get onto the motorcycle and swung the other leg around. “Make sure you hold on tight! Also, here is a helmet.” Phil handed him a helmet from the side boot of the motorcycle.

 

 _Where do I hold on to him? Around his waist would be the most secure, but that’s kinda weird. I’ll hold his shoulders_ Dan thought.

 

“Ready? Howell, what are you waiting for? Grab me around my waist and pull yourself in closer. Is your masculinity really that fragile? We have to be close together unless you wanna die.”

 

“Okay, okay” Dan reluctantly listened to Phil, annoyed by his comment about his masculinity. They drove for about 20 minutes before Dan noticed that they were driving straight into the forest. “Wait, is this some kind of joke? How can there be a hot chocolate shop in the forest?” Dan tightened his hands around Phil’s waist, frightened by the trees around him.

 

“Just trust me, Howell.”

 

“But why in a forest?”

 

“What did I say? Shush.”

 

“I’m scared of the forest. Phil, please.”

 

“Shhh, we are almost there. And don’t worry Howell, I won't let anything happen to your pretty self. I'm here for you.” Phil said softly, as he started to slow down the motorcycle.

 

“Wow, this place is beautiful,” Dan’s mouth dropped open, as he looked around Phil’s cabin, appalled, once Phil had lit up the paper lanterns. He took off his coat and hung it on the coat stand by the door while Phil turned on the fireplace. “What is this place?”

 

“Home.” Phil said, quickly realizing his mistake. “Well, I mean it feels like home to me. I found this cabin when I was--” _running away from home_ “exploring the woods a couple of years ago. It looked like it had been abandoned for more than 20 years, so I sort of brought over some of my things and made it my own place.”

 

“It truly is amazing. It reminds me of one of those aesthetic pictures you would see on tumblr,” Dan quipped. “So this is where the best hot chocolate in the world is made, I see. Wow, you are so humble” he rolled his eyes.

 

“Mhmm, it truly is. If you don’t like it, then I will let you acknowledge me at school”

 

“Oh-ho-hooo. Wow what a big bet. Are you sure you want to risk that much?” Dan’s smile got wider and wider.

 

“I’m sure,” Phil replied as he started to warm up some milk. “Have a seat!”

 

After taking off his gloves, Dan sat down at the dining table. Engulfing himself in the scent of wet moss and bark, he admired the aesthetic and beauty of his surroundings. He closed his eyes to heighten his sense of smell, taking in deep breaths, while the scent of nature was soon overpowered by the smell of hot cocoa.

 

Phil set a cup in front of Dan and took the other for himself. “Be careful, it’s really hot!” Phil warned Dan.

 

“It smells so good! How did you make it?”

 

“Well, I basically bought these cacao beans from the store and crushed them into powder and then I mixed it in with sugar. I also added some cinnamon and a tinge of vanilla extract. Then I added the mixture into warm milk.”

 

“Mmmmmmmm” Dan’s eyes fluttered as he took his first sip. “Damn, I agree with you. This is the best hot cocoa I’ve tasted. I’ll definitely be coming back for more!”

 

“Anytime,” Phil smiled.

 

“So, now since we are friends and all, will you tell me the whole deal with Michael?”

 

“I mean, yeah I guess. Basically Michael is my middle name and it seems like a more civilized and trusting name, so that’s what I go by in the library. I placed out of all the maths in high school, so they told me that I didn’t have to take math. But I really love math--” Dan made a disgusted face. “What? I’m different okay? I thought you knew that by now. Anyways, I really enjoy math so I took some math classes at Everett Community College since it was near by. They were challenging, but I really liked the challenge so I took more. The guidance counsellor at the college told me I had basically taken all the math courses needed to get a B.S. degree in mathematics but I hadn’t completed some general ed courses. So last year, I took all the general ed courses and finished them this past summer and I graduated from ECC I guess.”

 

“Wow, the prodigy behind the scenes. So you never took any high school math classes?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Holy crap, you are so smart. People think I’m smart. Wait until they meet _you._ I bet your parents are so proud of you! Not many people can accomplish a college degree at the age of 17!”

 

Phil’s eyes shifted to the side. “Hmmm? Yeah, haha. Proud,” his voice tampered off.  _So proud. Ha. I’m sure._ “Dan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For being my first friend.” Phil reached out to grip Dan’s hand.

 

Dan responded with a warm smile. “You don’t have to thank me, Phil. You are an amazing person. How could I not be friends with you? I’ve always wanted to be, but you always blocked me out. I really wish that other people saw this side of you. You truly are a beautiful person. I don’t understand why at school you don’t want people to know the real you. The one who helps out at the library and educates children. The one who is a big math nerd.”

 

“It’s a different part of me, Dan. I don’t think I am ready to share that part with me to the world.”

  
“Will you share it with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys liked this chapter!  
> i like writing long chapters but when i start writing i go off on too many tangents so thats why i decide to keep them short LOL 
> 
> it was fun to reveal to you guys part of Michael-Phil's backstory :)  
> hopefully the story is actually getting more interesting LOL  
> okie byE


	11. i suck at titles part 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-mention of poor mental health, death, drug overdose, drug addictions, discussion of sexuality
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I deleted the old chapter 11 because I thought it was too short and chapter 12 was going to be short too so I just combined it into 1 new chapter. LOL sorry. i am a mess. if you guys already read the old chapter 11, then just read from the page break. :)

Phil took a deep breath. He had never felt this intimate with a person, sharing his thoughts. “You wouldn’t understand, Dan.”

 

“Please, Phil. I want to be there for you. I want you to share it with me. It’s what friends do. They trust each other and tell each other their problems.”

 

“I know, but I’ve never done this before. I want to trust you, but everyone I’ve trusted always turns their back on me. I just, I need more time.”

 

“Phil, you keep saying that. How much longer will you keep running away from your problems?”

 

“ _ You  _ don’t understand. You are a perfect pretty little boy. You are so talented at art. You get good grades. You are good at making friends. Your parents love you. For you, all this stuff is easy. What problems could you possibly have?”

 

Dan looked away and slammed his fists on the table. He looked up and glared at Phil, face turning red with anger.  “How could you be so insensitive and say I have no problems? I have plenty problems, thank you very much. You think that you are the only one suffering, but have you ever tried to talk to someone? That’s why you’re always alone. You push away the people that care about you. And you think you are the only one hiding things? I’m  _ good  _ at hiding my problems. Add that to your stupid list about me!”

 

“I push people away  _ because  _ they don’t care about me. Everyone who I thought cared about me, left me! The left me! Do you understand?” Phil raised his voice and stood up. “What problems do you have? A D- in math? I helped you with that. You like a girl but she doesn’t like you back? Wow, must be soooo hard.” He rolled his eyes, mimicking what he thought to be stupid, petty problems.  _ I’m only protecting him. He needs to know that. _

 

“Shut up, Phil! I have bigger things to worry about than a stupid grade or girl. You don’t understand me. No one does. Everyone thinks that Dan Howell is living an amazing life, but not one single person has asked me what the truth is! No one has asked Dan Howell about his mental health. No one knows about the internal conflict that Dan Howell has to face every day. So no, it’s not about a stupid girl. I don’t even know if I like girls!” Dan gasped as he realized what he said out loud for the first time ever in his life. It was new, even to his ears. His shoulders started shaking as he began to sob.

 

Phil got up from his seat and hurried over to Dan’s side of the table. He wrapped his arms around Dan and started rocking him back and forth. Weeping into Phil’s chest, Dan grabbed a hold of Phil’s sweater.

 

“I’m so sorry, so sorry, Dan.” Phil whispered, kissing the top of Dan’s head. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

* * *

 

Phil cradled Dan until he stopped shaking. He handed Dan some tissues and helped him get up.

 

“I’ve never said that aloud before,” Dan whispered. “I never wanted to face that part of me. Ever since I was little, I always knew something was different. All the boys in my classes liked girls. There were some girls I liked, but I also liked boys. When I was 5 years old, I told my mother about my crush. I said ‘Mom, I have a crush on Chris.’ And she said, ‘Silly Dan, he’s a boy. You can’t like a boy. Boys like girls.’ Since then, I buried that part behind me. I was told that it was wrong. But everyday, I have this inner battle with myself. I don’t feel like I am truly being myself. I couldn’t bring myself to face that part of me. Plus with my sister and everything--”

 

“You have a sister? I didn’t know.”

 

“Had.”

 

Phil’s mouth dropped open in shock. Patting Dan’s shoulder, he said “I’m sorry.”

 

“Sarah was the perfect and most beautiful person ever. She made everyone around her smile. She had this incredible ability of making everyone around her feel comfortable. Everyone loved her. But then, when she went to college, her boyfriend made her do bad things. Terrible things. And then she got addicted to these terrible things. She downed pills as if they were candy. And one day, it all got too much and she took a little too many drugs and she overdosed. It shattered our family. My parents divorced, and my mom moved here with me. We decided to start a new life and move on. I told myself that I would never make my mother cry. I wouldn’t be able to bear it. So I did everything to be the perfect child for her. I pushed myself every single day to excel at everything.”

 

“I know your mother is very proud of you, Dan.”

 

Dan weakly smiled at Phil. “If my mother found out about my sexuality, whatever this is, I would not be the perfect child for her. So I repressed it. Hid it deep down, right next to the spot in my heart that was healing from Sarah’s death. I decided that I wouldn’t date in high school. So I never took any girl to any homecomings or formals. And anytime someone would ask me, I would just tell them that I’m not allowed to date. I buried myself in school work, art, and soccer, keeping myself busy, so that I wouldn’t even have time to think about my sexuality. Thus, I didn’t have to deal with my sexuality. Everything was going fine until this past October.”

 

“What happened in October?”

  
“I started talking to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked this chapter! i definitely enjoyed telling you guys Dan's story. :)
> 
> Sorry for being on a hiatus without warning! My friends made a last minute plan to go on vacation for the labor day weekend.


	12. i suck at titles part 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-curse words, mention of dark forest

Phil was surprised by what Dan said. Did he hear him right? _ Did Dan basically confess that he likes me? How could such a pretty boy like Dan fall for a pathetic piece of shit like me? He must be lying. He has to be. This is some kind of stupid joke.  _

 

“Fuck off,” Phil found himself saying as he let go of Dan.

 

“What?” Dan gave Phil a confused look through his tears.

 

“This is some kind of sick joke, right? Did someone bet you money? Talk to Phil Lester and I’ll pay you $100. Who was it? That guy PJ? Chris maybe?” Phil clapped slowly. “Great joke, Howell. You are so good at acting. They should hire you to be an actor!” He laughed sarcastically.

 

“Wha--how could you even say that about my friends? You don’t even know them.” Dan’s face turned as red as a setting sun. His eyes burned with rage. “I literally just told you something personal about me--something I’ve never told anyone else in my entire life-- and you have the audacity to make it about yourself? I must have been a fool to think that Phil Lester could actually care about someone other than himself. That whole Michael getup, whatever it is--shut it down because is all a LIE!!!”  He stormed off to the other side of the room. “You know what? Go to hell, Phil Lester!”

 

“I’m already here.” Phil mumbled, crossing his arms and turning his back to Dan. He heard the door slam shut and spun around to see the coat hanger swivelling around from the force of how the coat was taken off. Running across the room, he caught the coat hanger just before it hit the ground. He set the coat stand back in its place and ran out into the forest. “Where are you going, Dan?”

 

“Home! Back to my real friends!”

 

“You don’t even know how to get there!”

 

“I’ll find my way.” 

 

“Fine. I hope you get your money!!” he yelled after Dan. 

 

Dan stopped in his tracks. “You  _ still  _ think I was acting? I can’t believe it” he scoffed and rolled his eyes so hard he thought he could have gone blind. “ _ Fuck you. _ ” Dan growled as he narrowed his eyes at Phil. Wiping away his tears, he into the forest.

 

Phil stomped back inside and slammed the door shut. He kicked the chairs and punched the wall, yelling as he did so. Grabbing a hold of his hair, he pulled it and screamed into the empty cabin that had felt so warm and full of life just minutes ago. He played over whatever happened in the last 30 minutes over and over again. 

 

_ Shit, I messed up.  _ Phil thought.  _ Shit. Shit. Shit. Dan Howell never gets angry. And I got him mad. I messed up badly. I should have been there for him as a friend, supporting him. He literally just came out to me.  _ Phil smacked himself.  _ It’s impossible for Dan to be that mean. He would never pretend to do that to someone. But I couldn’t control myself. I had to say something to push him away. There is no way he likes me. Dan had to be saying that just to make me feel better. I don’t need his sympathy. I don’t need anyone’s sympathy.  _

 

Irritated and exhausted, Phil rolled onto the bed and fell asleep.  

 

* * *

 

 

Phil woke up an hour later. Looking outside the window, he found that the sun had already gone to sleep and the stars had woken up. 

 

_ Is Dan okay? Did he make it back to his house alright? Shit, Phil you are so dumb. Why have you been acting so careless these few days? You should have gone after him.  _

 

He stuffed his backpack with some granola bars, a couple bottles of water, a blanket and a flashlight. After locking the door, he started his motorcycle and drove off.

 

“Dan? Daaaan? Daaaaaaan?” he yelled into the dark abyss of the forest.  _ Arg, wasn’t Dan afraid of the forest too? Why did I let him go? I’m such a terrible person. He must be so cold. That poor pretty boy. All alone, lost in the woods. I need to find him fast. If I can’t, I will never be able to forgive myself. I can’t lose anyone anymore. _

 

Phil drove around slowly for about an hour before he heard sniffling. “Dan?” The boy peered from behind a tree, eyes red from crying and hair curled from the dampness of the forest. He was shivering and couldn’t feel his hands anymore. “Oh good God, I should have never let you go into the forest!” Phil hugged Dan but Dan pushed him away. “You are so cold!” He handed him the blanket from his backpack along with a bottle of water and a granola bar. 

 

“I-I-I-I d-d-don’t n-need your help, Phil.”

 

“Just let me take you to your home at least. We’ll talk about this later.” 

 

“Fine.” The ride home was silent except for the low murmur of the motorcycle. Phil dropped Dan in front of his house. 

  
“Keep the blanket.” That was all Phil said before driving away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh just when some of you thought this was going to end up cute,,.i ruined it!  
> Sorry I am a terrible person. :(


	13. i suck at titles part 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- coming out

The next morning, Dan woke up feeling terrible. He had a headache and a runny nose, probably from all the time he spend outside, lost in the forest. There was also an aching emptiness coming from his heart. He had just confessed his most personal feelings that he hadn’t told anyone--not even PJ--to Phil and Phil had responded in the worst way possible.

 

 _How could Phil even think that I was acting?_ Dan screamed into his pillow to release all his anger. His screaming ended up turning into sobbing. _No, I will not let Phil Lester do this to me. I cannot let him make me into a mess._

 

Dan looked at the mirror, staring at his reflection as the shower warmed up. He smiled at the boy staring back at him, realizing that he had finally come to terms with himself. _I can finally be 100% me!_ Sure, he was angry at Phil, but he had still accepted Dan when he came out. Even though he didn’t know what his sexuality was, he had at least recognized that he was not straight. And that was 100% okay.

 

Whilst in the shower, Dan debated whether or not he wanted to go to the fancy dinner with his friends. _Should I go? I don’t want to go. I want to stay home and sulk and cry into my pillow._ Dan sighed. _Maybe I should. It will take my mind off of things._

 

Dan texted PJ.

 

Dan: _Hey, wanna hang out before we go to the dinner? I also need to talk to you._

 

PJ: _Of course! My place or yours?_

 

Dan: _Can I come over? I just need to get out from my house._

 

PJ: _Yeah! You can come anytime._

 

Dan: _Okay, I’ll be there in a bit._

 

“Hey Mom? I’m going over to PJs to hang out. Also, we will be going out to dinner tonight with the rest of the gang.”

 

“Alright!” Dan’s mother replied. “Hey, Dan, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Your eyes are red from crying. I notice everything, I’m your mother.”

 

“Oh, I, um...I just had a fight with one of my friends. It’s okay, we will figure stuff out though.”

 

“Okay Dan. Just, I’m always here for you. You can talk to me about anything, okay?”

 

“I know, Mom. I’m so glad to have a mother like you who is always there for me.” Dan smiled and hugged his mother.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Love you too, Mom.”

 

* * *

 

Dan jumped onto PJ's bed and started playing with his phone, silent as PJ watched him.

 

“Sooooo, Dan. Are you going to talk to me about why you’re so sad or will you just keep playing with your phone?”

 

“What makes you think that what I have to say makes me sad?”

 

“Daaaaan. I know you. We’ve been best friends for almost 4 years.”

 

“Hmph.” Dan crossed his arms, pouting. “Okay. So I need to tell you something really important. I honestly have no idea how you are going to take it though. Just remember that the Dan you have known for these past 4 years is still Dan, but what I am going to tell you, you will be knowing the real Dan. 100% Dan.”

 

PJ raised an eyebrow. “What are you trying to say?”

 

Dan grabbed a hold of the bed sheets and started fiddling with them. “I-I-I-” He took in a deep breath. “I’m not straight,” he exhaled. “I don’t know my sexuality yet. But I know that I like both girls and boys. And I’m still trying to figure that part of me. But as of now, knowing that I am not straight makes me happy because I’ve finally acknowledged this part of me that I hadn’t before.”

 

At first PJ had a poker face. But then, his expression began to soften and he smiled. “I’m proud of you, Dan. Coming out takes so much courage. This doesn’t change anything between us. I still love you and you will always be my best friend.” They both hugged each other.

 

“Thank you, PJ.”

 

“As long as you don’t hit on Sophie, I’m good.” PJ laughed and Dan joined in. “So, what do you want to do now?”

 

“Beat you in Mario Kart?”

 

“Not if I beat you.”

 

* * *

 

Dan and PJ joined the rest of their friends at the Mirage at 6:30 PM.

 

“Wow, I can’t believe that Chris actually managed to remember to dress up.” Louise shook her head.

 

“And I didn’t even text him!” Dan added in.

 

“I know! I am so proud of me!” Chris extended his arms and took a bow. “Anyways, shall we go inside? I’m starving!”

  
Dan and PJ held the door open for Chris, Sophie, and Louise and trailed behind them after. The rest of the evening went well, with everyone relaxed and laughing. They had nothing to worry about anymore--they were second semester seniors now which meant that all they had to do was maintain their grades at a C and wait for college decisions. Not once did Dan think about Phil that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was more of a filler chapter but I have some things planned for the next chapter which (hopefully) should be good. :)


	14. i suck at titles part 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- none

On Christmas morning, Dan woke up to the sound of the door bell. 

 

“Who’s here so early in the morning?” his mother whispered to herself. She opened the door to Phil Lester, in his Michael getup. 

 

“Hey Phillip! How are you doing?”

 

“I’m doing fine, thank you Mrs. Howell. I’m so sorry to have woken you up so early in the morning but I just wanted to drop by and give you a little Christmas present!” Phil handed her a large mason jar filled with his hot chocolate mix and decorated with a bow. At the sound of Phil’s voice, Dan got up and looked outside his window to see Phil’s motorbike. 

 

_ Phil? Why is he here?  _ He wondered. He put on a robe and went downstairs to see Phil and his mother talking. 

 

“Really, it’s nothing, Ms. Howell. I just wanted to thank you for all that you’ve done.” Phil looked up to see Dan in the stairway. “Um, anyways, I better get going. Merry Christmas!”

 

“Happy Holidays Phillip! And be sure to tell Neil I say hi!” 

 

“Of course!” Phil smiled at her and then scurried away. 

 

Dan’s mother closed the door behind her and saw Dan standing in the stairway.  “Hey honey, you’re up! I’m going to make some French toast. Want some?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Who was at the door, Mom?” Dan spoke, his voice raspy as it often was in the morning when he had just woken up. 

 

“Oh, it was just a family member of one of the children I work with.”

 

“Wait, Phil has a family member that you take care of in your special needs health care facility?”

 

“You know Phillip?”

 

“Yeah, we go to the same school.” 

 

“Oh, I see. I don’t think I can tell you too much about him. You know, work policies. Some families feel really sensitive towards that stuff and all. If you really want to know, I think you should should approach Phillip and ask him. He’s a lovely boy and he is so nice to everyone else at the facility.” 

 

“Oh okay.” Dan stated. “Well anyways, did you see what I got you for Christmas yet?”

 

“No, not yet. Let’s open our presents together! Your father said his present might be a bit late coming in the mail.”

 

“That should be fine.”

 

“By the way, he was asking if you wanted to spend spring break with him. You haven’t seen him since the summer and he was missing you. You canceled your trip to see him for Christmas too.”

 

“Hmmm? Oh yeah, spring break should be fine. I just really wanted to be with you for Christmas break.”

 

“Awww, come here you.” Dan’s mother hugged him. 

 

* * *

 

Phil:  _ I need to talk to you.  _

 

Dan had been constantly rereading that text since he received it on the morning of the second day of the new year. He had skipped breakfast and lunch because he could not stop thinking about those six words. Should he meet up with Phil? Phil had hurt him a lot. Although Dan tried to seem happy in front of his mother and friends, his heart was still aching. Especially when his mother made hot chocolate using the mixture that Phi brought them. He sighed out loud. 

 

_ Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe I should give him another chance.  _ Dan pondered. 

 

Dan:  _ k. _

 

Phil:  _ Can I meet you somewhere? _

 

Dan:  _ yeah, come over to my house. _

 

Phil:  _ Thanks, I’ll be there in half an hour.  _

 

The entire winter break Phil could not stop thinking about Dan and their fight. He was ashamed of what he had done. Everytime he tried to pick up the phone to call Dan to apologize, he stared at Dan’s name, turned his phone off, and chucked it across the room. He wanted to give Ms. Howell a present for all that she had done for Neil, Phil’s brother, but he didn’t want to face Dan. Originally he was going to leave it outside their doorstep. But Christmas morning it was snowing and he had not choice but to hand it to her. 

 

Phil finally had the guts to text Dan and apologize.  _ I need to man up to my mistakes  _ Phil thought.  _ This winter break has been so lonely. I miss Dan.  _

 

He pulled up to the Howell driveway around 2pm. Taking a deep breath, he said to himself, “I can do this.” He rang the doorbell and waited for what seemed like an eternity until he saw the familiar face. 

 

“I’M SORRY!” Phil blurted out. He started to hug Dan, but stopped himself. He wanted to feel the comfort of Dan’s arms so bad, but he knew that Dan was not ready yet.

 

From Dan, there was only silence. He stared at Phil, studying his face and the pain he had hidden behind his eyes. Phil’s body was calling out for help. His ebony hair was ruffled, he had dark circles under his eyes, and his physical body had gotten leaner. It was almost as if Dan was looking into a mirror. 

 

Dan jumped onto Phil and hugged him. As soon as they embraced, Phil’s heart began to feel warm again and there was a glow to his face again. “I’m sorry. I was so stupid, so stupid. I pushed away one of the only people who actually cared about me. I won’t do that ever again.” 

 

“It’s okay Phil. We are only human. We make mistakes. I forgive you. I’ve missed you.” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear. “So, so much.”

 

Phil shook Dan off of him. “Thank you, Dan. I won’t ever make that mistake ever again.” He gulped. “Is anyone home?”

 

“No, why?” Dan asked.

  
“Because, I want to do this.” Phil pulled himself closer and rested his hands softly on Dan’s jaw. Closing his eyes, he leaned into meet Dan’s soft lips with his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry i didn't forget about this fic   
> i had no time and now school's started and now i will have less time but i will still try to update  
> i hope you liked this chapter  
> okay byeeee


	15. i suck at titles part 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- taking about disabilities

Dan tugged on Phil’s shirt, drawing him in closer. Phil’s timid and shy kiss was met by Dan’s strong tongue. Dan’s fingers became tangled in Phil’s straight black hair as their kissing became more aggressive. Dan’s hair started to curl from the heat of the closeness of their bodies. Phil broke the kiss, both of them breathless. 

 

“Holy shit,” Phil panted. “Calm down, Howell.” 

 

Dan smirked. “Wasn’t expecting that from me?”

 

“Hmm, I should have guessed that the most perfect kid in school was perfect as kissing too.” 

 

“I’ve missed you. Too much.” 

 

“Me too,” Phil said, pulling Dan in for a hug.

 

“Let’s go upstairs.”

 

“Okay,” Phil smiled. 

 

Dan led the way into his room, holding Phil’s hand. Phil sat on the bed while Dan got his laptop. He plopped down next to Phil. “What do you want to watch?”

 

“I wanna know what Dan Howell watches in his free time.”

 

“Ummm, I just started watching Avatar. Just a couple episodes in.”

 

“Wait seriously? I just started watching Avatar too. I’m on episode 5.” 

 

“I’m on 8 but we can watch 5 again.” Dan grinned."You know, for a guy who thinks he's all punk, he really isn't." 

 

"I guess you're learning all my secrets, Howell." Dan put on episode 5 of Avatar and rested his head against Phil’s shoulder. Phil played with Dan’s hair as they watched. 

A couple hours later, Ms. Howell entered the house. As soon as Dan heard his mother come in, he quickly scrambled out of bed.

 

“We can’t tell my mom,” Dan whispered to Phil. “She can’t know. I don’t know how she’ll take it.” 

 

Phil nodded. “That’s fine, Dan.”

 

Dan and Phil went downstairs to greet Dan’s mother. “Hey Mom! Phil is over, just wanted to let you know.”

 

“Ahh, hello Philip! How are you doing? Did you get a haircut? Your hair looks a bit different.”

 

“Hi Ms. Howell! I’m doing well, thank you. Happy New Year! And I just styled it differently. I put it into a fringe instead of my usual quiff.”

 

“It’s wonderful to have you home. I didn’t even know that Dan and you knew each other.”

 

“Yeah, we recently became friends this year,” Dan chipped in. Smiling at Phil, he said “Phil is a really cool guy. If only I had known him earlier.”

 

“I’m glad you guys are friends! Let me know if you boys need anything.”

 

They went back upstairs and closed the door. Dan took a deep breath. “Phil, I know it’s a sensitive topic for you, and it’s okay if you don’t want to. I just want to know you better. And it’s okay if it will take time--”

 

“Neil is my younger brother. We have a 2 year difference in between us,” Phil cut him off. “He has down syndrome. Your mother is one of the helpers that takes care of him. He lives there, and learns things like life skills and basic academia. I wish I could take care of him, I really do. But I can’t.” Phil looked down, his voice down to a whisper. 

 

Dan patted his back. “It’s okay Phil. I know you would take care of him if you could.”  _ What about their parents?  _ Dan wondered in his head.  _ Why can’t they take care of him? I guess Phil will tell me when he’s ready.  _

 

“He’s such an amazing person.” Phil started to cry. “Honestly. Neil is so inspiring. He doesn’t let his disability stop him from doing anything. He motivates me to work hard. I wish people could treat Neil like a normal person, instead of treating him like a disabled person. It’s not their fault, I know. But all Neil wants is to be treated like a ‘normal’ human being! That’s where I go, during lunch. I go to the special needs facility, and eat lunch every day with my brother. Sometimes I take him out, if the carer lets me. Usually, if it’s your mother, she lets me take him out. She understands that he is a normal person and doesn’t need to be spoonfed. When I do get to take him out, we go on my motorcycle and eat at a restaurant. We get a lot of stares, but both of us have gotten used to it. What matters most is that I get to see Neil.” Phil wiped his nose on his sweater and smiled. “For the holidays, I’ve been going over to see him every single day. I go in the morning and don’t come back until they kick me out. I would have gone today, but I already told him that I had to meet someone important to me. And he was fine with it.”

 

Dan wanted to ask so many more questions, but he was happy that Phil had told him that much.  _ Baby steps,  _ Dan thought to himself. “Can I come with you next time? To meet Neil?”

 

Phil’s smile got wider and wider. “I think Neil would really like to have a new friend.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH IM SORRY I REALLY TRY TO UPDATE AS MUCH AS I CAN BUT NOW SCHOOL HAS STARTED AND IM TAKING 4 SCIENCE COURSES AND IM DYING IN HW SO YEAH  
> thanks for understanding  
> :)  
> hope you enjoyed this chapter and learned more about phil!


	16. i suck at titles part 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-death mention

The next morning when Ms. Howell went to work, Dan tagged along with her. She lead Dan to the visitor’s check-in while she swiped in her card to access the main door into the facility. Dan trailed in behind her. 

 

“Hey so I’m actually working in a different room than Neil’s but if you need me just text me. Let’s meet at the cafeteria for lunch at around 12:00. I think Neil’s lunch period doesn’t start until 12:30 but since you are here with me it’s fine. I’ll just talk to Cathy about extending Neil’s lunch period for today.” 

 

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll see you in a couple of hours. Bye, Mom!” Dan walked to room 603 and found Phil and Neil already there. 

 

“Hey!” Phil smiled as soon as he saw Dan walk in.

 

“Hi Dan, I’m Neil,” Neil welcomed Dan, extending his hand out. There was a hint of playfulness in his voice, which Dan picked up immediately. 

 

Dan reached in for a handshake but instead Neil grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a hug. 

 

“I’m sorry, Neil’s a hugger. I should have warned you about that Dan.” Phil explained in response to Dan’s surprised face.

 

“Oh it’s okay, I love hugs I was just expecting a handshake. By the way Neil, you give amazing hugs.” 

 

“Thank you, I’ve heard the same about you,” Neil said side-eyeing Phil, who was blushing. “Although I think I give better hugs.” 

 

“So, what do you want to do?” Dan asked.

 

“Oh, lets play Mario Kart, ” Phil suggested, getting up from the chair. “since your classes don’t resume until next week.”

 

“No, I wanna talk to Dan! You always talk about him and now I finally get to meet him and you won’t let me talk to him.” 

 

“Neil!” Phil scratched the back of his head as pink flushed his cheeks. 

 

“What? It’s true. Fine, we’ll play Mario Kart. I think I can beat you, Dan.” 

 

“Hmmm, we’ll see,” Dan laughed. “I always go hard on my friends.” Neil gleamed when Dan called him his friend. 

 

Phil, Dan, and Neil all went to the game room. There were two TVs with play stations and Wii Us connected to them surrounded by bean bag chairs. On the other side of the room, there were some arcade games and a DDR booth. 

“I wanna go against Dan first!” Neil sang, jumping up and down. 

 

“Okay, fine. I’ll go get some milk and cookies.” Phil rolled his eyes as he went out the door. 

 

“He spoils me. A lot.” Neil turned to Dan after Phil left. “And I love it. It makes him happy, and I love seeing him happy. Plus, who doesn’t like getting spoiled?” 

 

“He’s your brother. It’s his job to spoil you.” Dan replied, smiling softly.

 

“Thank you for coming into Phil’s life, Dan. I haven’t seen him smile like this since our mother passed away.” Neil said, crouching next to Dan to help him set up the videogame. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Dan said, trying to hide his surprise when Neil talked about his mother.  _ Wow, Phil never told me this.  _

 

As if Neil had heard what Dan was thinking, he explained “Phil doesn’t really like talking about it. I think he does it mostly to protect me. But I’m old enough to take care of myself. Just because I’m a little bit different, doesn’t mean I can’t take all this stuff.

 

“After our mother died, Phil’s eyes lost their warmth. They became icy and cold. But when you came along, they started warming up again. They regained their color.”

 

‘I-I don’t really know what to say to this.” Dan responded. 

 

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate you.” 

 

“Thank you.” Silence fell between them. “You are a great kid. I can see why Phil always loves coming to you. You are so mature.”

 

“I don’t know about the mature part. Cause I throw crazy tantrums when I lose. And even worse tantrums when the other person goes easy on me and lets me win.” Neil laughed.

 

By the time Phil came back with milk and cookies, Dan and Neil were tied, switching off between first and second place in the race. 

 

“Awww, I love seeing my two favorite people in the world play against each other. But what I would love even more is me actually playing one of you.” Phil realized what he had said. “I mean, um--”

 

“HA! I WON!!” Neil screamed, cutting Phil off. 

 

“Hey, that’s no fair. I was distracted!” Dan pouted but then laughed. “I demand a rematch.” 

 

“Winner play’s Phil!” 

 

“Hey, when did that become a rule?”

 

“When I just won,” Neil stuck his tongue out at Dan. 

 

“Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to enjoy these cookies and milk by myself.” Dan sat by the table next to them. He watched as Phil and Neil played, observing the love and chemistry they had between them. The Phil he saw here, with his brother, was like no version of Phil he had seen before. This Phil was constantly laughing and teasing. 

 

Dan noticed the way Phil stuck his tongue out when he genuinely laughed. How his nose scrunched up when he was losing in Mario Kart. How his eyes widened when his car drove off Rainbow Road. How his brow furrowed when he was concentrating. How he looked at his brother every 30 seconds to make sure he was alright. How he let his brother cheat in Mario Kart. How he had so much love for his brother.  

  
_ Oh shit.  _ Dan thought.  _ I think I’m in love with Phil Lester.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooh00 would you look at that I'm becoming DAn finally uploading after a month  
> i hope you liked this chapter :)
> 
> also, thank you to everyone who has given me kudos or comments on my fic its alwaYS nice to get validation   
> sorry I'm going crazy
> 
> side note: would you guys like it if I wrote one shots cause sometimes i get brilliant ideas for fics and i know i can write it but then i get mad at myself because i tell myself that i have to work on this fic idk   
> lmk if you wouldn't mind me writing other one shot type fics despite me not uploading as often with this fic.


	17. i suck at titles part 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-none

January 30th was coming up and the brown haired boy wanted to do something for Phil.

 

“Hey guys, what is a good birthday present to give someone?” Dan asked his friends during lunch.

 

“Well it depends who’s birthday it is,” Louise replied. “Is it a parent, sibling, cousin, friend, or loved one?” Louise raised her eyebrows.

 

“Ummm, a close friend?”

 

“None of our birthdays are coming up, Dan. Do you have other close friends besides us?” Chris put his hands over his heart and pretended to cry.

 

“Ahhh, you know what? Forget I asked.”

 

“Damn Dan who is this special friend?” Chris asked.

 

“Yeah! We wanna know!” Louise exclaimed, shaking Dan violently.

 

“Guys, it doesn’t matter who it is. Besides, if Dan isn’t comfortable telling us who that person is, it’s okay. We should respect their privacy.” PJ stated, nodding at Dan.

 

“Ooooo Dan you know what you should do? You should paint something for them!” Sophie clapped, eyes wide and full of excitement.

 

“Good idea, Sophie, but their birthday is in a few days and I doubt I can whip up anything that fast. It’s fine I’ll end up thinking of something.”

 

* * *

 

“Why did you invite me to this park?” Phil grumbled. “I had to drive so far--” Dan put a finger to Phil’s lips.

 

“Shhh. First of all it’s only 30 minutes away. Secondly you don’t want to be seen by people from school. Third of all this is a cute park and there is a really nice cafe just a couple blocks ahead. Fourth of all, I wanted to celebrate your birthday, you spork.” Dan answered. “Stay right here, let me get your present really quickly.”

 

Dan jogged to his car and took out a blue crate. “That looks so heavy!” Phil exclaimed.

 

“Umm, so the first flower I got you was a Calla Lily which represents, uh, beauty. The first time I saw you I was stunned over this unique beauty you had.” Dan handed over a 6 inch pot with the flower to Phil.

 

“The next flower here is, a White Carnation which means--”

 

“Innocence,” Phil interrupted.

 

Dan cleared his throat. “Yes, it does. Despite you putting on this dark brooding front, there is this innocence in your eyes whenever I see you with Neil. You become your true self in front of him. I sense playfulness and innocence in the air whenever I am around you both together.

 

This one is a Heather which is supposed to represent protection. You have this thing where you have to protect others for their sake. You want them to keep their innocence for as long as possible. You don’t want them to realize the truths of the real world, and you want to bear these truths all by yourself, even when you have people like me who want to share this burden.

 

Flower number four is a galax which stands for encouragement. You want the people you care about to succeed. I’ve seen it with Neil, I’ve seen it with your math students, I’ve seen it with me. You would always encourage me during our sessions to try harder, especially when I gave up.

 

Number five is the ranunculus which embodies your charm. You have a way with adults that make them like you. And when you go to school you have this badass look to you which causes butterflies in my stomach, because who doesn’t love a bad boy?”

 

“So you prefer my school look, huh Howell?” Phil chuckled.

 

“No! That’s not what I meant! I like you anyway you are!” Dan grew quiet, embarrassed.

 

“So you’d like me with my clothes off then?”

 

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil and continued to give him the flowers. “The sixth flower I bought for you is a Magnolia because you love nature so much! The abandoned cottage in the forest is the most beautiful hidden secret you’ve shown me. I’ve grown to like the forest because of that place.

 

“Flower number seven is the Buttercup because despite what you want others at school to think of you, you are so cute and childish! Your laughter is childlike, reminding me of when I used to roll down hills with my sister.

 

“This one here is a Daucus Carota which represents a haven. Which is what you are to me. When I’m in your arms, I feel safe and loved. I feel accepted and I feel like I can tell you anything.

 

“The ninth flower I want to give to you is the Sweet Pea. Whenever I’m with you, in that abandoned cottage that you’ve decorated, wrapped up in blankets drinking your amazing hot chocolate, I am in bliss.

 

“This multi colored Tulip is for your eyes. When stare into your eyes, I am lost. They are a beautiful galaxy, embodying the allure of space. Your eyes are a woman in a red dress, seducing her lover.

 

“The White Zinnia represents goodness. Despite what you think of yourself, Phil, you have a lot of goodness in you. I wish you would let others see it.

 

“This Sunflower here describes your smile. Your smile is the sunshine to my world. It lights it up when I’m feeling down.

 

“The thirteenth flower, well it’s not really a flower. More of a plant, really. It’s a cactus. Which stands for endurance. You’ve had to endure so much tragedy and sadness, and though I may not know all of it, what I do know is that you are so strong. You are strong for getting through it and despite the struggle, you are still here, being a better person.

 

“This is a White Camellia because you are adorable. You just are. There is nothing more or less to it. 

 

“I want to give you this Pansy because you made me realize that not everything is what it seems. You made me realize that I shouldn’t judge people and that everyone has a past that they have grown from.

 

“Next is an Iris because you are so wise. Your intelligence and talent inspires me to work harder.

 

“Flower number seventeen is a dark pink rose because I want to thank you for making me a better person and making me face my insecurities.

 

“And finally, the eighteenth flower I want to give you for your eighteenth birthday is a red rose because--”

  
“I love you,” Phil finished for Dan, smiling. He pulled in Dan for a kiss. “This is the best birthday present I have ever received. Thank you, Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back from the dead! Its really hard to update between university and work, but I will try to update as much as I can.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed the holidays! :)
> 
>  
> 
> As always, criticism/kudos/comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> For the flowers, I used this website as a reference: http://www.flowersbytina.com.au/shoppingcart/pages/flower-meanings-chart.html


	18. i suck at titles part 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-abuse & death

“Hey Phil, can we hang out at your place today? I think my mom is gonna be home early today.” Dan asked Phil, intertwining their fingers.

 

“We could go but there is still snow in the forest. It’s gonna be cold.” Phil responded.

 

“No, I mean your actual house. I’ve never been!” 

 

Phil replied softly, “Oh.” 

 

“It’s okay, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It’s just that we’ve been together at my house a lot and I think my mom is noticing things and I don’t know if I’m ready to tell her yet and--”

 

“Dan, it’s okay. I need to tell you something. I think I’m finally ready to tell you about who I am.” 

 

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand. “Whatever you are comfortable with, Phil. You know that whatever you tell me won’t change the way I feel about you.” 

 

Phil inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly. “Okay, so my name is Philip Michael Lester. And Neil is my brother. My father passed away when I was eleven, but then soon after my mother met this guy named Jake. A year later, she remarried and Jake became my step-father. He was great! He always helped my mother with Neil, and he always pushed me to do my best. He was a good man. He loved my mother. He loved us. We were a happy family. 

 

But happiness doesn’t last forever does it? My mom was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer, and by that time we couldn’t do anything. She didn’t want to go through chemo because it wouldn’t have helped. She wanted to spend all her the time she had left with us. We traveled a lot! Any school break we had, we would go somewhere. She died just before my freshman year of high school. 

 

I used to be popular like you Dan. Except I was rude. I was rebellious. I knew I was smart, so I didn’t pay attention in classes. I was, essentially a fuck boy. People hated my guts. I thought I was invincible. I was not a good person. You can ask PJ and all your friends. They used to be my friends. We used to do stupid stuff like steal. I cheated on my partners. But we were the cool group. Everyone wanted to be like us. But after my mother passed away, I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to be invisible. I hated the person I had become. So I purposely did terrible things just so that I could cut off ties with PJ, Sophie, Chris, Evan, Dean, Zoe and a bunch of other people. I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to burden them with my problems. I entered high school as a loner, wearing all black to become invisible.

 

After my mother died, Jake became abusive. I don’t know if he was always like this, or if it was my mother’s death that triggered it. Then came the drinking which made everything worse. I had to get Neil out of there. He would be especially abusive to him, calling him things like “retard” and “demented” and it hurt me so much. I couldn’t see Neil like that.  So I enrolled him in the program that your mother works at. At least over there, he would be safe and away from Jake. And I, well I live in that house in the forest. That’s my true home. I don’t live with Jake. 

 

Sometimes, if I have to go my old house to get something, I have to get past Jake. Which is why I had that a black eye back a couple months ago. Because whenever I go there, he’s usually drunk, says something dumb about Neil or my mother, and I can’t bear it so I end up fighting him. That day, he actually fought back and almost strangled me. I haven’t been back since.” 

 

Dan rubbed his boyfriend’s back and wiped away his tears. “I’m sorry” he whispered. 

 

“Before my mother died, she told me to do something good. She told me to help people, and that’s all she wished for. So I started volunteering at the library and tutoring people. I didn’t want to make money from that, because I genuinely wanted to help people who needed it but couldn’t afford private tutoring. So I created this fake identity. Because Phil Lester wasn’t like that, but Michael Lester could have been like that. Phil Lester was a terrible person, but Michael Lester was a good person. Michael helped old ladies with their groceries. 

  
But then Dan Howell came into my life, and he just wouldn’t stop caring for me. As much as Phil hated him, Michael loved him more. And then Dan saw that Phil and Michael were the same people. And he believed in them. And he loved them both just the same. And he changed Phil back into someone good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay thats the entirety of phil's backstory ^_^  
> sorry for not uploading in a month :/  
> hope you enjoyed learning about phil :)


	19. i suck at titles part 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-none

Whilst watching Avatar, Dan started rubbing circles on the back of Phil’s hand. His heart started racing and all he could think about was that one question he had to ask Phil. 

 

_ Oh, I hope Phil doesn’t take it the wrong way. I know I’m asking a lot from him, but I know it will take our relationship in a positive direction.  _

 

“Hey, Dan, you okay? You seem a bit tense, babe.” Phil asked, genuinely concerned. 

 

“Well, if my heart wasn’t racing before, it definitely is.  _ Babe???”  _

 

“I--um. I thought we were that far in our relationship--”

 

“Yeah we are definitely that far into our relationship but Phil Lester calling me babe? That’s like every non-straight man’s dream come true. It was kinda sexy. Wait, no, not kinda. Definitely sexy.”

 

Phil rolled his eyes and planted a kiss on Dan’s cheek. “What was your heart racing about before,  _ babe?”  _

 

Dan took a deep breath in. “Umm, please don’t be offended. It’s just that, whatever I ask of you, it means a lot to me. And I know it might be difficult for you.” Dan paused, looking at Phil. Phil softly nodded, gesturing Dan to go on. “Um, okay, um. I would like you to start sitting with me during lunch. With all of us, the whole gang--PJ, Chris, Louise, Sophie. I mean you don’t have to do it every day, because I know you visit Neil during lunch but.”

 

Phil stopped drawing circles on the back of Dan’s hand. Silence filled the space between them. 

 

After 5 minutes of pure silence, Dan couldn’t take it anymore. “Phil, forget I asked. I know I’m asking a lot from you, going back to your old group of friends and all that. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I--”

 

“Okay,” Phil whispered. 

 

“What?”

 

“Okay, I’ll do it for you Dan.” Phil inhaled loudly. “I know it means a lot to you. And you have done so much for me. I have to stop being so selfish--”

 

“You aren’t being selfish I totally unders--”

 

“No. I want to do it. Dan, I love you and I know you want your friend and boyfriend to get along. Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve had a group of people I can talk to or hang out with.”

Dan pecked Phil’s cheek. “Phil, I’m not out to anyone except for PJ in that group. So for now we will have to act as just friends in front of them.” 

 

Squeezing Dan’s hand, Phil said, “Okay, babe. That’s fine. But how are we gonna introduce me back into that group?” 

 

“By telling them the truth.”

\----

“Woah, is that Phil Lester walking with Dan coming towards us?” Chris motioned behind PJ. Everyone turned around and looked. 

 

“I, I think that is.” Sophie said, squinting her eyes. “Why is Phil with Dan?”

 

“I don’t know, let’s find out.” Louise said, intrigued. 

 

“Hi guys, this is Phil as you probably know. He’s my new friend and he’s gonna start sitting with us at lunch!” Dan explained vaguely. The rest of the group gave each other confused looks. 

 

“Hey,” Phil said quietly, looking down at his shoes after giving a half hearted wave.

 

Dan and Phil sat down next to PJ. “Hi Phil! Welcome back to the crew, buddy!” PJ smiled at him. “We’ve missed you.”

 

“Okay, hold up. Can we address the elephant in the room?” Chris exclaimed loudly. 

 

“What do you mean, Chris? Can’t someone else sit with us? I want to make new friends, okay?” Dan raised his voice.

 

“Yeah, but why him?”

 

“Why not? Do you have a problem with him?”

 

“It’s so random? Phil Lester of all people? Someone you hardly know? What the hell, Dan?”

 

“For your information, I do know Phil very well. He’s the reason I passed Calculus last semester. He was my tutor. Did you know he’s incredibly smart?”

 

“Okay, so you brought your tutor to sit with us? Just because he’s smart? Wow, what am I doing here then? I’m not smart, now am I? Maybe I should leave the group.”

“I told you this was a bad idea, Dan.” Phil stared blankly at the center of the table, not making eye contact with anyone. 

 

“Phil is a nice person! He’s amazing and friendly and a really good person!” Dan said, defending Phil.

 

“Yeah, well you didn’t know him before high school like we did!” Chris yelled back.

 

“Yeah, well I didn’t know any of you guys before high school! People change, Chris. Your past doesn’t define you. I definitely wouldn’t judge you for all the terrible things you did in your past. Or terrible things that happened to you in your past.” 

 

“Chris, I’ve already apologized for what happened so many times. I was stupid then! I didn’t know it was that serious.” Phil spoke loudly, startling everyone. 

 

“ _ You knew I didn’t know how to swim. You knew I was afraid of the ocean. You knew and yet you still pushed me in.”  _ Chris sneered. “I could have died then!”

 

“I know! And I’ve regretted that every single day since then. But believe me, I know I fucked up and I know I was dumb. I was going through a hard time in my life, not that it excuses my behavior. But I’m changed now, Chris. I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know how to make it up to you.” 

 

“I just need to be alone for sometime, Phil. And I need to think.” Chris got up from the table and left. 

 

PJ grabbed Chris’s hand. “Chris, don’t forget that we were all stupid back then. Don’t play the victim here. You did some shitty stuff too. Let’s all just start anew. A clean slate. Okay?”

  
“I said I need some time to think.” Chris jerked his arm to lose ahold of PJs grip. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoped you liked the chapter!  
> as always, kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> if you have any ideas for any one shots, let me know on philester.tumblr.com/ask
> 
> thanks!


	20. i suck at titles part 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- none

“I fucked up. I’m sorry, I should leave. I should have never come into your friend group, Dan.” Phil sighed and got up, ready to leave. Dan pushed him back down, glaring at him. 

 

“Hey Phil, remember that we used to be your friends too. You aren’t coming into Dan’s friend group, you are just going back to your old friend group.” Louise smiled. “We’ve missed you. It’s been too long.” Louise reached across the table to grab Phil’s hand, gently squeezing it as a sign of comfort.

 

“But what about Chris?” asked Phil.

 

“He’ll come around. He’s always been the drama queen in our group. You remember, don’t you?” PJ patted Phil’s back. “How is Neil doing?”

 

“Umm, he’s good. He stays at the Jefferson Care facility. That’s um, where I usually go during lunch.” Phil paused, taking a deep breath in. “He misses you guys.” 

 

“Awww, we miss him as well. I don’t know if he’s told you but I visit him at Jefferson’s from time to time. I just wish I didn’t have to hide it. But now that you are back we can go together! How how have you been?” Louise asked. The rest of lunch period was spent with everyone catching up with Phil. Dan was amazed by how everyone clicked so well with Phil, and it was obvious Phil had missed them. 

 

* * *

 

“So you have a crush on Phil Lester then, huh Dan?” PJ said as soon as he and Dan entered his house. 

 

“What? Why would you think that?” Dan responded defensively.

 

“Because, I know what love looks like. And you are shit at hiding it. I’m sure the rest of the crew knows that as well, even if they don’t know you aren’t straight. When you look at Phil talk your brown eyes get all big and you have this big goofy smile that I haven’t seen in awhile. And when Chris was getting mad at Phil you looked like you were gonna rip off his arm. So Phil becomes your tutor and your what? His student? Damn, this sounds like the beginning to a hot porn--”

 

“Oh my gosh, shut up PJ,” Dan’s cheeks had become tomato red. “Is it really that obvious?”

 

“Even a blind man could see it,”

 

“I don’t know how he was before I met him, and that is okay, but the Phil I know now is amazing and one of the sweetest people ever.”

 

“I know, Dan. And I know you both are probably dating as well.”

 

“W--”

 

“Phil used to be my best friend too. I was the first person he came out to as well. The similarities between you and Phil are uncanny. You are both so similar but both so different. Don’t be mad, but I guess in a way when we first started talking, you reminded me of Phil. And you were the missing link that our group needed. You became the Phil of our group. Both of you were really smart. Both super liked by everyone else. Both with tragic family drama. But once we got to know you, you guys were so different. You made us better. Phil led us to do shit like jump off of cliffs. You led us to do shit like study for our tests. I originally liked you because you were like Phil. But when I got to know you, you were totally different. 

 

I’m not saying that Phil was a bad guy. Phil was a fun guy and he was so nice as well. He cares for the people he loves, a lot. Which you can see with Neil. And he helped me too. Well, my older sister Megan. One time she was being teased by these two guys and Phil went up to them and beat them up. How embarrassing that those two guys got beat up by someone who was three years younger than them. 

 

Anyways, my point is that if you guys date, or are already dating, just know that I am happy for you guys. You both are made for each other.”

 

“I’m not mad, don’t worry. I understand how you must have felt. And I don’t have any complaints from you guys. I was the new kid and you guys all made me your friend. I love all of you. As for the dating thing, I think that’s up to Phil to tell you.” Dan responded. 

 

“I gotchu. But whatever the situation is, I wanted you to know something."

 

"Sure,"

 

"It's about Phil."

 

"Okay,"

 

PJ exhaled loudly, "Phil was my first kiss. And second. And third. And countless more.”

 

“What you guys hooked up when you were drunk or something? Didn’t know you were into men, PJ” Dan laughed.

 

“No. We, um, secretly dated.” PJ said, completely serious. 

 

“Oh.” Dan said, taken aback.

 

“And I may have been partly the reason he left our friend group.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“We broke up around the same time all that shit was happening with his family. I didn’t know. I mean, I knew that his mom had passed away a couple months ago and I was there at her funeral. I comforted him. But suddenly he started lashing out at me for no reason and I didn’t understand why and I never tried to. Plus at that time it wasn’t as accepted. The fact that we were two guys that liked each other. I-I-I don’t know. It’s scary. It felt wrong but right at the same time. But when Phil started getting angry at me, I thought we weren’t supposed to be in a relationship. I thought he didn’t like me any more and that he never really liked guys. And then I found out that he was cheating on me with this other chick. So I broke up with him. 

I didn’t know it was because of Jake being a little shit. And because we broke up, he sort of left because otherwise it would have been awkward between us. No one else in our group knew we were dating. And to this day, they still don’t. So, if you could keep that on the down low that would be great. I’m glad he has you now. Everything is alright between us. At least I hope it is. We’ve both grown as people and we are now adults and can handle ourselves civilly. And I want him back as a friend. He’s a good guy.”

 

“Do you still love him?”

 

“I mean I still want to be friends with him. I have Sophie and she keeps me happy. She makes me feel good about myself. I love Sophie now.”

 

“You and Sophie are the cutest couple on campus.”

 

“Well, I’m scared that if you and Phil start dating, you guys will be the cutest couple.”

 

“Thanks for telling me, PJ. I mean, I don’t really care about Phil’s past. I love him as a person now. But thanks for telling me about the history you two shared. I appreciate it. And if it were me, I would have done the same thing and told you about it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry for not uploading! It's been 4 months I'm literally terrible! I really enjoy writing, but with so much school work and my job I rarely had time to write. It's summer break for me so I will try to update more often! Thank you for all the comments, they make me more inspired to write!
> 
> I was trying to write more about Phil but I ended up talking about PJ's past as well. ^_^


	21. i suck at titles part 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-none

Dan awoke to his mother shaking him on a Saturday morning. “Mom let me sleep in its Saturday!” Dan mumbled groggily. 

 

“Honey! I know, but I wouldn’t have woken you up if it wasn’t important! There is mail waiting for you from Dartmouth!” Mrs. Howell squealed.

 

Dan ferociously opened his eyes and fell whilst scrambling out of bed. He grabbed his robe which was hanging on the hook behind his door and put it on as he ran downstairs. There it sat, a thick green and white packet. Dartmouth was Dan’s dream university. He had applied Early Action, and today was the day the Early Action applicants were supposed to receive their decision. 

 

“Honey! Come on, open it! This could be your first acceptance!” Dan’s mother was more jittery than Dan, maybe due to the coffee she had had earlier.

 

Dan ripped open the envelope and out came a thick folder, a Dartmouth flag, and a piece of paper. He stared at the flag, smiling. He looked at his mother, who was grinning from her left ear to her right. His voice croaked as he read “Congratulations on your acceptance Daniel Howell! Welcome to the class of 2014!”

 

Mrs. Howell wiped a tear from her left eye. “Come here, you,” she said, pulling in Dan for a hug. She kissed the top of his head, whispering “I’m so proud of you honey. You deserve this so much. My perfect little baby. Sarah would be so proud of you too. Her little brother going to his dream college! We should go celebrate! Let’s go out for lunch!”

 

“Hey mom, I  need to tell you something,” Dan said, all of a sudden. 

“Yeah! Anything honey! Ohhhh would you look at yourself! My baby is all grown up” Mrs. Howell said, pulling on Dan’s cheeks.

 

“No mom, it’s serious.” Dan said, lightly pushing his mother off, looking down at the ground.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry Dan. What is it. Is everything okay?”

 

“I don’t know how to say this any other way so I guess I’m just gonna go ahead and say it,” he sighed. “I...I have a...boyfriend, mom.”

 

“Ohhhh when will you introduce me to him?” Mrs. Howell gleamed, shocking Dan.

 

“You...you aren’t gonna say anything? Like..its okay? Your son isn’t perfect?”

 

“Oh honey, you are perfect! Why does it matter if you love someone of the same gender? It doesn’t matter. If anything, I’m so happy you found someone, baby.”

 

Dan broke down into tears, crying. The people most important to him had accepted him with no hesitation, yet here he was, hiding his own feelings for the past 4 years. Dan’s mother embraced him into a hug, rubbing his back. 

 

“So, who is the lucky boy that gets to be with you?” Mrs. Howell asked softly.

 

“Um...it’s Phil.” Dan sniffed. 

 

“Well, then let’s go celebrate your dream college acceptance with Phil!”  _ A good choice _ Mrs. Howell thought to herself silently. 

 

Phil met them at  _ Assagetti’s _ , dressed up in a shirt and tie with black skinny jeans. “Hey, good job, bro” Phil congratulated Dan once he saw him and Mrs. Howell. 

 

“Ummm, she knows about us. I told her,” Dan said, blushing. 

 

Shocked, Phil awkwardly repeated himself “Oh, well, um, hi Mrs. Howell.” 

 

Dan’s mother pulled him in for a hug. “I’m so happy for both of you! And now let’s go eat! It’s already 1:30PM and I’m starving!”

 

Dan’s mother talked to Phil about colleges he applied to, and both Dan and his mother found out that Phil had applied to Dartmouth as well, but regular decision rather than early. Hearing that, Dan’s heart started beating really fast.  _ Could there be a possibility that Phil and him could go to the same university?  _ Although he knew Phil was smart, he knew not to get his hopes up in case Phil wanted to go to another university or if he didn’t get in. At some point, college decisions turned into a lottery because there were so many great applicants. 

 

Dan’s mother left them after lunch, as she had some errands to run. “Just be home by 8pm! Go celebrate with Phil. Treat yourself, Dan!”

 

“So…” Phil trailed as Dan turned around after waving goodbye to his mother. “Where do you want to go? Also I love your mom.”

 

“Okay first of all, you are supposed to love me, not my mom. So, uh,  _ rude. _ ” Dan chuckled. “And as for where I want to go, it doesn’t matter as long as I’m with you.”

 

“Ew, you’re kinda cheesy. Gross. I wouldn’t expect that from my boyfriend.” Dan’s eyes twinkled upon hearing Phil call Dan his boyfriend in public. “Let’s go do something manly, like play golf.” Phil winked.

 

_ Wow, he’s just full of surprises. A punk boyfriend who is actually the sweetest and softest boy on the inside loves playing golf. Go figure. I wonder what else he has in store for me.  _ Dan wondered. 

 

The rode on Phil’s motorcycle and arrived at an arcade with a large open outdoor grassy area. Chuckling, Dan said, “Wow, I didn’t know miniature golf was so  _ manly _ , Phil.” Phil laughed, his tongue sticking out to the side. He laced his fingers around Dan’s and pecked him on the cheek. Dan didn’t care about the world anymore. The two most people important to Dan had accepted him for who he was, and that is all that mattered. He unlaced his fingers and pulled Phil in for a kiss. “Manly men kiss their boyfriends on the lips,” Dan stated as a matter-of-factly. For the first time, he saw Phil blush. “Manly men also blush after their boyfriends kiss them.”

  
Phil growled softly. “You know what else manly men do? They have  _ at least  _ a full hour make out sesh with their boyfriends after playing some mini golf.” The sun watched two manly men giggle to themselves from up above, as they walked towards the golf course. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked this chapter! 
> 
> i thought a lot about whether i should or shoudn't abandon this story, but i realized that i really love the story so i will continue it. it will be a bit sporadic, so make sure to subscribe or something so that you know when i post the story.   
> love u guys and I'm sorry I can't update as often. I hope you understand. <3  
> as always, kudos are always appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is philester.tumblr.com for those that are interested. come say hi! :)


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